short thought, tough subject

I’ve been studying restorative justice. It is a process that allows victims and offenders to reconcile. It’s hugely complex with the variations of emotions that have the ability to change entire belief systems, yet if they are accepted the stress relief is physically and mentally measurable, blood pressure, heart rate, even long term emotional issues like depression, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, eating problems and so on.

I’ve been thinking about this for myself and the only person that I would want to apologize to is my sister. It is a bit convoluted but she’s two years older than I am and was abusive, emotionally to me, as much as any sister could be. However, she has since, in the last 15 years, been very remorseful (overtly at first) and in her prideful way has tried to show me that she loves me, come to think of it, she has actually said as much. I, on the other hand have stuck close to my fear of her and perhaps it is time for me to make that paradigm shift by changing my belief systems about her (my turn to apologize for not accepting her apology – I guess). It’s a daunting and scary exercise to think about, making it all the more necessary I suppose.

Who do you need to forgive or apologize to?

+Pelican

September 26, 2011

i know who’d i need to forgive. i’m not ‘there’ yet. i’m easier apologizing than forgiving. not a nice thing to say about myself, but it is what it is

Greywolf Borealis

I forgave everyone long ago. Life is far too short to hold a grudge. Be well, my dear friend.

noko

I am pretty good at letting things go. My brother is abusive and has a major problem with the truth. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over 12 years but we just recently started exchanging notes on the family circle on Google Plus. It is odd but so far it is working. As long as I feel safe I am willing to acknowledge his unique place in my world. I wonder if family members are the mostdifficult to forgive?

Arbi

There are people who once were in my life, but from whom I’ve moved away. I recognised that the relationship was destructive for me, also for them, and I found no way to change it, so I retreated. I don’t hold a grudge (at least I don’t think so) but nor do I feel any need to forgive them or to apologise. We are each what we are, and I can’t blame them for being themselves. If they came to me and wanted to rebuild a friendship, then I’d try – but that isn’t going to happen. *smile*

BedlamHillFarm

Venetians practically invented the vendetta, so forgiving is not something that happens often. With close to 7 billion people on the planet, I’d just write the one off that I can’t stand.

Gaff Horse

For me, forgiveness brings the most benefit to the person doing the forgiving. It seems to allow you to move on. Being forgiven is also important, but I think a harder thing is then to forgive yourself. I’ve been forgiven for things which I still feel pretty bad about.

Sometimes I sound abrupt when I don’t feel abrupt, so I apologize right off. That way, no sun going down on unresolved hurts 🙂 For those to forgive, if someone makes a habit out of being hurtful, and doesn’t want to resolve it, I put my energy elsewhere – even with those who have caused egregious, traumatic harms. I think non-forgiveness = negativity, where feeling pain doesn’t = non-forgiving

For example, I can think of a family member who was extremely abusive. I don’t feel vindictive or unforgiving. The person hurt me, chronically, and wasn’t interested in any way to resolve things. Finally, I told the person they chose to leave my life and could return when they could do so non-abusively. I think what they did was awful, but they already stole enough time from my…no more.

So, I think non-forgiveness = the offender is still stealing time and energy from us. And not letting that happen is far easier said than done 🙂 But it is possible, I promise.

ODCreek

September 28, 2011

I believe fear in this process is genertated by the past experience of trying to make abuse stop & getting no result. Our adult minds understand & sometimes reach forgiveness. Our child minds struggle to move from fear ->understanding->acceptance->forgiveness. Our adult mind, if going through those steps is equiped to reach peace with our past. Take baby steps, you’ll find your big girl panties:)

ryn – oooh, what a wonderful dream! I used to dream of living in different places and traveling…then it happened without my really planning it. Dreams are powerful. I hope you get to spend a good chunk of time in Italy painting sometime…soon… 🙂

pulchritude

January 14, 2013

i’m writing a memoir about the person/incident i need to forgive & am “studying” restorative justice. although, in europe, we call it reparative justice. it’s an interesting concept & one i’m toying with. i think, with forgiveness, you have to wait until you no longer way up the pros & cons. when you can think about the injustice that was done to you without the need to qualify your own resultingactions, you’re ready for forgiveness. or so i theorize. i’m not there yet. forgiveness is such a … touchy thing. i often wonder: will i ever even be there? as opposed to wondering when it will be. at this point, i’m still not convinced forgiveness is something i have the capability of doing. anyway, sorry for working out my drama in a note on your diary! haha. also, sorry for the vast amount of notes! i’m planning on stopping back by, if you don’t object. 🙂