A Study

And I know-
In a moment it will be time
To rise again and consider a load.
A few minutes acquired haphazardly
For the hours spent, not working
But ruminating through action
Not long now, will arrive the time
When the world is so deep
It will become impossible to see a surface
Admit it, I tell myself, you are frightened.
But such a fact, if true,
Would mean my suicide, my demise
I find that my fear of fear
Is the only part of me surviving
Desperation is a flashing yellow light
That rushes me on faster, always faster
Instead of advising caution
Spurred on by failure
I find the dark side of motivation

These are the considerations
Of a charity case
Of one who, finding no space his own
Encroaches on that of others
Ignorance would be the saving grace
Of this man, if he had such a thing
But I do not- constantly aware of
The poor manners and bad graces
In my character
If by placement I am always wrong
How am I ever to do right in any case
Such is the fuel of my thoughts
Against the back drop of music
I once recall believing in
But the tune only scatters what pieces
Of me remain among sheets, antiques and books
The contents of my life
Acquired even as they are despised
Yet even as they are loved
Contradiction is not restrictive
When it comes to remembrances of the heart

I save old love letters
Though they make me sick
Though I cannot bear to look at them
Being as always about two minds
Or more
For shock, that I loved and was loved
Reverberates today as much as the time we
First said the words
Scared on the telephone
Yet firsts came and then left
Thus the multiples-
Throw away the past or claim it as my own
Rewrite history or cherish it
I am forced to say
I find contentment in this dilemma
And in the depression it brings
As if I need to forever have
At least a piece of broken heart
Thought the rest of me must, and wants to
Give freely the selfsame love
Once pledged so completely to another
No it is not lack of affection
Merely a yearning
For a lack of grace
If I am to be ugly let it be uniform
Romance career and life
All should bean bitter fruit

My beliefs grow ever more hazy
When never are they fulfilled
For I am so vague in their beginnings
I fail to abide by signs
Others declare as absolutes
There are no conclusions, only questions
And I stare at the equations
Each night as I go to sleep
Staring back
Pitched darkness-that’s all
Not one glimmer of life
Damned for believing
And damned for doubting
Both at the same time, without breath between
As the world ends
Someone must be a scapegoat
But where shall I go
when I am sacrificed?

Save me save me save me
I am screaming at the stars
Like a scared little girl
Who lost a dear friend
And is in trouble with the law now
But a grown man
(pretending at least)
Should need no assistance
I lie alone, wishing I wasn’t
By my own design
This is no a story
But a confession of awareness
In my own inadequacy
A study in self-loathing.