July 23, 2011

spiritual

Spiritual reflections.

So very true, we each go through our own instances and occurrences and how we deal and handle life. I am a believer in love and happiness, I believe in me and ultimately I believe in him. This weekend there has been little contact, that is more or less the norm, but knowing that my book of poetry has arrived and not hearing anything from him about it makes the no contact a bit harder. So this afternoon I send him a simple text that says, "I miss you" and he responds immediately, "miss you more". I believe he feels this way, but part of me cannot help but wonder why he is not telling me what he thinks of what was sent. We met through our words, I know that he knows my words are true. He believes them, right now I hold faith in that.

I am my heart. I’ve had a past riddled with hurt and anger. There has been bruises and miscarriages, there have been fists and feet kicking. I have been that victim but I am NOT a victim, instead standing up and brushing aside the past, brushing off the men that couldn’t have cared less. There have been good men in my life but for reasons out of our control, there were endings but things happen. Feelings, emotions – to me they are real and tangible, I can reach out and touch them. I know the scent and the way it settles within me. I love him, I think about him all the time – it is what it is, but it is always me. He will either love me for me or not at all but I do have faith in who I am, in who he is and who we are.

And thank you to one of my readers, you are right, I believe we are spiritual reflections of one another.

ryn: i hate character limits, have i said that yet? as you put it, ‘i have to believe’, it conforms to everything i’ve learned. i KNOW this, in my brain, but my heart is sooo close and almost but not quite as understanding, at least not verbally. my actions speak for my belief, my love, but i can honestly say i don’t 100% feel faithful. i’m reminded constantly of her, in ways she’d understand…

i have to believe, in our maturity, she felt every good word i gave her. we connected on the deepest of subjects. damn i love her, and regardless of what my heart knows of her love, or what faith it might or might not have in the universe, i love her. i touch her beautiful face now as i write this, i’m elsewhere, you understand, i’m not here with my words, i’m in the heaven between her and i.

everything i’ve read and listened to taught me to have faith in this, in my heart, to dream, she’s the girl of my dreams, i dream of her so often. i day dream of her so often. if everything i’ve read is correct, then she’s mine. then we really are made for each other. there’s no disputing it, if you talked to us together, compared us, yoo’d see, we’re perfectly aligned in all the right places.

i hurt her terribly, but if it weren’t for that, we’d be much further along, i don’t doubt it. but like you said, and i know, this needed to happen. i’ve certainly learned a lot more in the interim, and other parts of this experience in vegas validate other beliefs and desired creations. this isn’t an accident. i just pray i didn’t lose her forever. we don’t communicate at all now.

but every day my heart screams her name. and that’s all i know, is to listen to my heart, and follow my dreams, and they’ll come true. best wishes to you, in the same regard.