dark holes

Its a bit after 9:30am, my office is quite the flourescent lights flicker every so often and my desk looks like a wreck.  I’m trying to organize and set up the next Activities Director that will be here in a month or so, which means I get to move back to the other resort with a semi-promotion and raise.  Its where I want to be regardless of the extra miles.  So, I have good intentions of laying everything out for her but I look around and the motivation seems to lack.  Instead I find myself remembering and loving.

I’ve always been a sexual person one willing to try almost anything and his hands, they were a godsend.  I just want to smack him, tell him to wake up and come to me.  Come see me, see if it is there still like I know it is.  Like he has admitted it is and still fights a little, though he doesn’t fight as hard as before.  He woke up this morning to text messages from me last night, to pictures and thoughts and desires and he thanks me over and over, tells me he loves to wake up to me and I tell him –

"You’re my baby and I’m a woman of my word"

He responds, "Yes you are."

He’s not used to that.  Not used to normalcy and a woman giving heart and bending over backwards to see him smile.  And all of these entries have been about him lately – I don’t vent openly with those around me.  This faceless, anonymous place allows me to wallow, to cry, to want, to…everything.  I get afraid that if I do that at home, I will be overbearing.  Those insecurities are a bitch.

I grew up quickly, had to my mother worked constantly to support us after my "father" decided to begin a new family.  I grew to not trust men for the most part, a past full of hurt and bruises, both hidden and visible ones and still, the only realy thing I believe in is love.  Love with family, with friends, love with a man that came into my life suddenly when I wasn’t looking for and didn’t want it.  I’ve lived in the "ghettos" and written my way out of dark holes.

And now I croon and preen towards the sun, knowing as night comes I will feel even more alive.  I’ve always been fond of the shadows…

More later.