Letting Go

‘And I keep feeding the machine
and I don’t have the time, my time has me
I’m different today in so many ways
leave me alone, leave me alone…’

I left my cell phone in my room today.  I turned it off before bed, afraid of being woken up, and left it on my dresser this morning.  I ate lunch sitting on a wall, smoking and staring at the lake.  My time today was mine, and my thoughts, right or wrong, were private. For once, I didn’t care what the future holds. I read a book and really read, saw the words on the page, and found a little of that woman I’ve always dreamed of being. 

The wind made me feel like I could be solitary forever.  I wanted to hop on a gust and sail my way straight to the ocean, straight to the pier where I spent so many summers. I wanted to find that little girl with the fishing pole sitting barefoot and watching the seals come into the harbor. That little girl can’t give me any answers, and I know that, but she can remind me of simplicity. When I think of her I think of a time when love meant being tickled by my father or having a wrestling match with my best friend on the front lawn. I want nothing more than to re-walk those beaches, hunting for shells and starfish, and rediscover myself.  Today was the first day in a while it was okay to be alone.  It didn’t matter who loved me or who I loved, because the wind and the sun made me free. I was strong enough to be happy and determinded enough to be beautiful. 

After classes, I gave up an hour of homework to toss a frisbee.  It didn’t matter who was on the receiving end. Today was a beautiful day, lived to the fullest.