March 24, 2004

Haunted

‘The wrong man lies beside you and waits for you to wake,
and all because I lacked conviction, judgement’s my mistake…’

I stepped in the shower after classes today and counted the bruises on me. I ran my hands over a few of them, but felt nothing. My own private trophies. But trophies of what? Betrayal, confusion, and insecurity. If nothing else, they’re proof that all these fevered nights are real. Here, unfolding before me, is what could be the greatest love of my life, and yet as I sit here writing it’s not him I think of. I’m thinking of a warm smile and a sweet smell inside a Carhart jacket, and a laugh that I caught when I passed by the stairs. Twice today I was haunted, both times I smiled.

‘anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
maybe i lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?’

.lucy.was.pretty.

March 25, 2004

xoxo. i miss you.i wish you knew.

i told him tonight, that one of the hardest things he would have to do is step back, a third time and let you work it out. He will be there and be there and be there forever, unless you tell him otherwise. Natalie, i want you to think of the little things. I want you to really contemplate them. Its the little things that mean the most. It’s those things that really count…. (to be continued)

The one thing that stands out in my mind, is how the whole time you were with J-, you never once talked about little things he did. I don’t remember you gushing about how he left daffodils on your pillow one morning, or how he held you.

I’m not saying there wasn’t love there. Not at all. I know there was immense amounts of love, and still is. All I am saying is that you need to evaulate this. You need to step back, from both of them, from the entire situation, and really think.

Natalie, you know that I love you for miles, and i always will. I will be there for you in every way you need me. This is one of the hardest things you will do, but know that you have at least one person who will always be there. I love you…