Disappearing

Molecules. Cells. Microbes. That’s all I really am. Take away the binding and it wouldn’t be that hard to catch a drift of air and sail away. So what is the binding? What ingredient ties my cells together and makes them jump in the rhythm of my heart beat? Is it God? Is it Moxie? Is it biology? Is it Love? Human intricacies like sex, affection, compulsion, or ambition?

The discovery process is a long one. Little by little, we discover what holds us together. We find the experiences that help keep us whole as we age. It is the significant memories, emotions, and people that gradually add to the stuff that makes us taught, strong, and impenetrable. We choose the strongest of that mortar to hide between the stones of the walls we build to protect ourselves. Instinct tells us to fill the cracks and gaps in those walls. Whatever doesn’t fit gets buried deep inside, in the spaces between the smalles of cells, gluing together the deepest of our parts.

He tore down my walls. He never asked what held me together. I had no shelter, so I looked inward. Now I now what holds me together. If it hardens, if it flakes, if that mortar isn’t there…

do I disappear?

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