I am not me. I wish.

 Ohai, diary. I was reading my previous entries and gained wisdom from the endeavor.

I realised that I was an immature bastard.
Yes, really. I’m ashamed of what I was before.
I learned. I truly need to change for my own sake.
Thank you, OD!

I was reading them because I was bored. Actually, no. I just didn’t want to exert effort on anything. I wanted to have fun in a, let’s say, passive manner. Now it makes me wonder why I bothered logging in Open Diary for this. Reading diaries isn’t really on the top list for "Fun Things to Do on the Internet." Not that I persecute those whom actually think this way. Please don’t shoot me.

Eh, I’ve had another bad day on duty today. But from the reflections I gathered from my previous entries, I want to change how I think. So instead of whining, I’ll… Hm. I actually don’t know what to do about it. And yes, I can hear you facepalming from here.

Hospital duties force me to wake up at 5 in the morning to get ready and catch the school bus. That is stressful, especially when the weather is nice and cold, and your mattress feels like its gravitational field has multiplied exponentially. Alright, this is officially whining. Pfft. I shouldn’t complain about sleep deprivation since I’ve been staying up late reading amazing blogs about some doctors’ ranting. You should read them. AngryMedic and Dr.Grumpy stole hours of REM sleep from me.

I’ve started reading materials like these recently to make up my mind whether to attend Med school or not. At the moment, I’ve cited more disadvantages than advantages that I can ever dream of fabricating. It is very discouraging. Almost everything is discouraging. I’ve heard Med school is like hell on earth, and that there is a 10% chance of developing suicidal thoughts. … That statistic; why did I bother mentioning it.

So, hrm. I have one year and a half to change my mindset and my horrid personality. This is because I still have my licensure exam to take this December, and Med school first semester starts at around June. And I can’t do it this year since we will be starting our review this July. Though I want to attend Med school while reviewing, I doubt my physique would allow that. I am kind of sickly.

Alright. No matter how I look at those things I typed up there, I still think they are rants.
Now, a little something about today.
I swear I’ll try to sound less hateful.
Or I may, perhaps, completely leave out the spiteful content.

—

Since yesterday, we were assigned in the Emergency Department. There weren’t a lot of action going on. But today, something unique has arrived at the front door.

It was a frantic woman with a child.

An obviously dead child.

But the lifelessness was not the striking part for me. No, I’m not being cold. 

It was a girl, around four years old. She looked like she came from a decent family.  Despite that, she looked very skinny. As in skin and bones, as if she has been severely neglected. Her long-lashed eyes were open, the two staring into nothingness at different directions each. Her mouth gaped open, showing horribly crooked, yellowish teeth that spiked from here and there. Her fists were clenched with the thumb inside, flexing at the wrists toward her body. Her whole body was in an odd, squirm-like stiffness.

The response team went on ahead with the CPR protocol despite the case being too late. The mother was asked about what happened.

"I don’t know. I found her like this." When she said that, I did not know what to think or assume.

Further history taking revealed that the child has been febrile for days already, and has refused to eat for the duration. The rest of the story is unclear to me; I figured that it is impolite to prod on about it, especially because I wanted the information solely for academic reasons. That may sound cold, yes, but I’m not heartless. I detach myself at work. I need that to be efficient.

Writing about this right now summons the image in my head. My impression of the child was that it looked like some doll for display in a horror room that will really catch you off-guard. But the longer I watched her, the more I realize that it was a tragic thing. Events like that should be prevented. I feel sad. I feel pity. I wished that she could rest in peace. No one wanted that to happen, and I am quite sure that her mother did all she can to take care of her.

—

That second part was darker than I imagined my entry would turn out to be. I originally wanted to write comically to have something in contrast to my previous full-o’-rant entries. Guess I’ll leave that for next time. I need to catch some sleep. Still got class tomorrow (on a Saturday, no less).

Maybe I’ll eat a burger tomorrow. I haven’t had one for some time. Mm. Fast food. Arteries, me soh sohrry. Cheezeburger is vary gewd, aiyah.