Graaaaahh.

**Destructive thinking ahead. Don’t call the police, kudasai.
Warning: Contains vulgarity and usual teenage confusion.

Forced optimism doesn’t work. Being nice doesn’t work. Smiling hurts my ego. I’m so frustrated, on my way home I imagined punching every person in my way just because they walked slower than me. And they were strangers.

Even mother became a victim. She made small talk when I got home. I responded with silence. It wasn’t fair of me. She seemed more tired than I was, and I was being such a douche. She’s a wonderful woman. I can’t imagine any other person out there who can tolerate my character.

I noticed that I am kinder to animals than humans. I suppose that is normal– I haven’t found anyone to offer my sincerest altruism after having lived for nineteen years. My quest for a true friend is a waste. When I think I find one, it proves to be a defect. Maybe friendships from anime is mere fiction. Maybe I became so awed with One Piece that I expected that I’d someday find my own people.

Funny thing is, I am very much irritated with ignorance and signs of stupidity. Not that I am some great person. It’s just that, people don’t take the time to think before acting or talking. It’s very annoying. Very frustrating. Perhaps I’m too sensitive, but come on. Are you going to keep being so fucking annoying just because you are born like that? I tried to change for the better because I misbehaved a lot before, why won’t they? Now, I find going back to that old self.

Why should I conform to standards and act for the approval of others? I definitely am exposed to a terrible culture for too long. Good thing I have not been too corrupted to be deprived of free thinking.

I’ve always done my best to avoid making an enemy of anyone. I have always been socially awkward and didn’t like being rebellious. But now, the darn people around me are quite provocative. They never learn. They go about their merry ways, not caring about the people they trample on. Me– I want to be on top for once. To crush their ego and lay a path for the underdogs.

But I’m not wise nor emotionally intelligent to begin with. When I try to be assertive, my voice trembles not because of fear, but of the unfamiliarity of stepping out of my comfort zone. Making my fist fly would be an easy option, but I do not have the physical build to survive a brawl. Logic’d. 

Sometimes, I wish life is a video game. It would be so much easier to solve conflicts through violence. Ah, the barbarian I have turned into. Don’t talk about the effects of video games on the minds of the young. It’s responsible parenthood you need to look at. Not that my parents did it wrong. Ack– I’m getting off-track.

Well, so much for an entry. I sincerely wished that all of my writings would be about splendid experiences in this short-lived existence. We all have our ups and downs, I suppose.

P.S.: I admit to having such a warped personality. Yay, me.

P.P.S.: Oh, yeah. I’m supposed to be studying for our exams. Then again, exams are supposed to assess how much you’ve learned. Therefore, studying is cheating (*my actual way of thinking).
Somewhere out there, someone facepalms.