Bahhh

 Life is just moving too fast for me.

Or is it because I am slow?

Yesterday was a torrent of different emotions. To forget the pain, to be relieved of the burden. At the end of the day, all this will still come back and haunt me. But there are moments– small, simple moments, that make everything seem better. Like sharing laughter with the people close to your heart.

After waking up in a daze in some unfamiliar dormitory earlier at 5, the grief felt rather heavy in my chest. I remember spending the whole night with my high school friends. I’m not even sure why I came with them. Maybe just because I’d feel guilty if I did not come to May’s farewell party for her permanent overseas stay. But somehow I knew that I was not supposed to be there. I have made plenty of faults against these people however indirectly. But I just went on with it, trusting the company of Luther and Chrysler.

After all these years, it’s only now that I’ve learned to distrust those two. I wonder why. When I was younger, I entrusted my everything to them…including Gene. Now, my ‘logical’ mind casts doubts and fears about them. It’s in this state that I wish I am back to my old ignorant self. I am over-thinking things and it certainly does not strengthen our friendship at all.

Being faced with my fear for May and Nine…the friends that I had purportedly betrayed; it was awkward, though none had actually accused me of such. Alcohol had become a great ally and aided me in becoming open with them. At last, I had brought myself to confessing this guilt. It would have been better if I had not cried so bitterly over loud, booming speakers in the club.

It was shameful, but worth all of the tears I stupidly shed. May and I had become better friends than ever, and how I wish I had done that years before. Now that she is leaving us for good…I do not know whether I am glad or crushed.

As for Nine, there certainly was a pinch of awkwardness because of Chrysler and I. It was not that much, but my sensitive self cannot bear to pretend that as if nothing is wrong. I had gotten over that, finally, and now I can freely place my arm around her shoulders like I should have done years ago.

Miku, well, we certainly were not closely acquainted with each other, unlike with the rest. Yesterday I took the gamble and went home the next day victorious. All those stupid things we’ve done while drunk… I’ll even brand that in my memory if I can.

Realizing that our lot has grown and will be facing the real world in the not-so-distant future, we all felt uncertainty for sure. I just wished to go back in time when we were younger and stay there. For eternity. Reminiscing now is just a painful thing to do. Now I know that I fear growing old because of its consequences.

I know what makes me happy. And I know I’m about to lose them one of these days. The sadness feels so drowning, I sometimes wonder why I am alive only to be subject to such. We all move on, I know. I guess I am weaker than I think. I’ve failed to achieve a state of peace of mind for years now, and everything just keep piling up over time.

Though I’m glad I’ve finally cleared this one important clutter yesterday. Now I just wish May would go with a smile on her face.