Aiyah

Here I go again. Enough with the mood swings, self..! One moment I feel awesome, the next thing I know is that I’m thinking about life– and sulks about it. Feeling like this is all right for me, but I don’t want it affecting the way I interact with the environment. It’s just– argh, how frustrating!

Sure, we all have our share of failures and disappointments. But these little things are choking me. Like on how I ought to state my age. "I am only 18," or "I am already 18." I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live my life at this point in time. I just feel so lost…especially because I am enrolled in a college course I simply have no interest in. Thinking that I will have to work as a ____ for the rest of my life…it sickens me.

I know I should be thankful that my parents are working hard to send me to college, but… Aren’t they worried on what they have done? Sure, I can handle the job. But sooner or later, I’ll be sure to fail. There’s just no bright future in a career you’re not even passionate about. I suppose my parents never cared about things like this. I understand that all too well. Especially since we live in an era where you have to survive poverty, crisis, and the like.

… Until now, I still do not know what I truly want. I only agreed with my parents’ decision for this college course since I am undecided, and simply because resisting is futile. I had been promised that I may take any course of my liking after graduating this one, but I highly doubt it.

First, as the eldest born I am expected to support the family, It has not been imposed on me…but that actually goes without saying. So I’ll have to work to pay off my debts to them– not to go to another college just because I want to pursue what I want.

Second, I do not wish to be a burden to father. 20 years of toiling just to provide us well is too much for my conscience to handle.

And heck, I don’t know what else to add here.

When I think about it, I shouldn’t whine too much. I’m living a normal life, what more can I ask for? Am I just being too demanding? Self-centered? Well, I’m tired of thinking. It’s gonna be Christmas soon, and look at me. 

By far, this must be the most depressing vacation I’ve ever had.

… My only relief comes from writing these thoughts on an online journal. Wouldn’t want to post shit on Facebook or bother anyone about it. Keeping this diary thingy might just save my sanity.