>>;
Right after hearing me laugh by myself (I was on 9gag), mother decides to enter my room; asks if I sent a Thank You e-mail to my aunt on FB for the Christmas money. Can’t lie, told her right off I didn’t. Not that I am an ingrate– I just don’t know. Felt sort of uncool for me to do that. She further interrogates me about sending father a Happy New Year greeting. … Didn’t send one either. She bluntly adds, ‘no wonder I’m not receiving calls from him lately…’
Putting the blame on insensitive ‘ol me, eh. I just barked out, ‘Well why don’t you make my younger sib do it?’ Answers with, ‘she doesn’t know how.’ … ‘Well, fuck.’
I hate this. Don’t you ever put me through this. I’ve endured sending a number of e-mails before without expecting much of a reply, not to mention lack of writing content. I’ll just do it whenever I feel like it. I know it’s lonely where my father is…I just don’t want to send a half-hearted message just because I feel pity for him.
I’m no douchebag. I am very appreciative of the little things my parents do for me. But…just don’t put me through this. It’s very painful for me. Oh, look…stupid dust in my eye.
And now I’m starting to think of emotional responsibilities I have. Am I the one who is supposed to reassure father that we got his back? I am no conversationalist. Neither is he. I dislike the thought of sending the same kind of message over and over because it tends to sound scripted. Thinking back on how I failed this duty makes me think if I indirectly made father suffer from depression or something.
I don’t want to think about it. I mean no harm. I intend to get good grades at school. I didn’t ask for anything last Christmas. I somehow know about our financial instability at the moment, and am trying to cope up with it in my own little way. Yeah, I don’t help out at home that much… Whenever I’m free, I lock myself up in my room, trying to enjoy every moment I’m away from school. And yet, all these things I’ve failed to do still come back to haunt me.
How unfair. But no, I am the one being unfair. Many people are in more difficult situations at the moment, and here I am stuck with my mere thoughts– being so negative to myself.
It’s harder when you have no one to tell things like this to. As if you feel like you’re being a (useless) saint for nothing. But it’s probably better this way. Shifting the burden to others is just not the way I want it to be.
Che, long, unstructured rant is long.