getting that feeling again

so i dont know why but I am starting to get that feeling in my stomach again… like she is cheating… i dont know why but it is there… i got it the night before… we got into a little something then i called her back to say goodnight and she didnt answer… i dont know why but my immediate thought was she went out… and did something… i dont know why… then yesterday she forgot her phone which she does but very rarely and it didnt help that her service was turned off so i  couldnt text her all day… i went to visit her last night because I was worried about her and i kept wanting to ask her if she went out last night but i knew that would just stir up something and make things worse. i also know that she also feels it was a mistake to tell me that she kissed asha ( which i am kinda over) and toni (which still makes me upset). even though she did it when we werent together i still know they hang out and that makes me uncomfortable. i still dont like that when she goes out with her friends she never thinks to include me whereas when I go out i always try to include her which is not always the right decision.

I feel like if she was to read this she would breath really hard and say that she tries so hard to make me happy and tries to do the little things, which she is doing and i like, but at the same time they are things that I have gone without for so long that if she stopped doing them tomorrow i wouldnt really care… like texting me just because or calling me and not waiting for me to call her. the calling part i like but its i feel like i communicate with her that its other people that make me uncomfortable, and she knows which people, and instead of trying to figure out a way to make me comfortable (besides telling me that nothing is happening, which does nothing for me). but at the same time its like i know she is going through a lot, and has a lot on her mind, and is still healing so it makes me feel like sometimes i cant bring up things that bother me or on my mind because it comes across as if i am complaining and not happy and just adds more fuel to the fire. so instead i keep my mouth shut.

part of me kinda feels like this started on monday when she came back from her trip. i wasnt all over her like i usually was. while she was gone i just tried to get out of that mindset and not be like that. not be that person. i feel desperate with someone that i am intimate with and working towards being with. i dont like that i try to touch her so much and get denied because she is not in the mood. so i just took myself out of the mood. i dont want to force things. if its not there then i just let it be but then i think to her it seems like i’m not in the mood or that i dont like her because  i am not responsive when she kisses me on my neck. i remember smiling very big. i like when she kisses me on my neck but i didnt jump all over her or anything which is what i usually do. i dont know. like this morning i called her to check in with her to see how she was doing and she didnt answer. i know last night she said she didnt want to go to work but she had to.

there is just so much going on with her that i feel i dont know about because she holds it in and chooses to not talk about it. even though she knows it will eat at her and that she should let it out in some form. but i know its hard. i have been there. in some ways i am still there. but i just dont like to see her so sad and here her so sad. knowing that she is not happy, and knowing there is very little i can do about it. she sent me a text last night after i left saying that she was grateful for the little smiles and laughter that i brought to her life in those couple of hours i was there. i’m glad i put my insecurity aside and just tried to put my energy into her. it benefited us both in the end.
i didnt realize i had so much to say… but i feel better now…