On Weddings and Marriage

Still no internet at home, but for some reason, felt compelled to write this today.  I will update on tornado stuff another day.

I was an usher in a wedding recently, and as always, I’m amused by the amount of work, frustration, tears, and anger that goes into preparing for a one day event that’s supposed to magically define the rest of the life of one particular couple.  

Granted, I only got to see the final two days of the whole process.  Weddings are supposed to be joyous occasions, yet there is always a tense air that is constantly drifting through weddings.  The order that everyone walks down the aisle must be just so.  The lighting of the unity candle, or pouring the unity sand, or whatever tradition prevails at that point in time.  As was the case at my own wedding, small as it was, the near meltdown that happened when we forgot the special toasting glasses, or Tina wondering whether or not I was going to mash a handful of cake in her hair.  In the big picture, so many of the traditions that we integrate into the modern wedding are entirely meaningless and wastes of time.

‘But’, some of you brides-to-be may say, "it’s my day to feel like a princess!" Or as the mother/mother-in-law/bride-to-be, "It’s my day to make unreasonable demands, to tax the patience and test the love of every single member of my family, and generally make a total ass out of myself for all to see."  Meaningless. Yet we put huge stock in the pomp and circumstance of the ceremony and the dinner and the cake, etc.  We look at these things with mild amusement, just chalk terrible behavior up to the excitement of the day, yet we don’t see them for what they are as windows into the character of some of these people that we know and love.  We don’t see them as a red flag into the hell we may be marrying into.

An aloof groom, with no desire to participate in the preparation of the ceremony other than planning his bachelor party and whether or not there will be alcohol at the reception.  A possessed bride, alienating friends and family alike with her ridiculous suggestions.  I’ve forced myself to watch a couple of episodes of Bridezillas and find myself astounded at the way these women behave only to find a groom waiting for them at the end of the aisle.  Most men with common sense would see this woman that they intend to spend the rest of their life with acting like a spoiled, unreasonable child, and run as fast as they can.  I feel sorry for those who go through with the wedding after witnessing this, and wonder if they believe that this is the only day that their new wife will be like this.  I also wonder what the divorce rate is of people on that show.  It’s sad to think about.

Maybe weddings should be treated like a marriage.  Maybe weddings should be an obstacle course with the prize of marriage waiting for them at the end.  What would that look like?  An obstacle course where intense cooperation and trust is required to safely navigate.  A test in those things that we may experience in life that prove our love for one another.  Sleep deprivation due to a sick child, money scares, questions of fidelity, all intensified into a solid week-long obstacle where the true character of your future spouse is revealed, and forgiveness and teamwork is either learned or dissolves like the love these people thought they had for each other.  And at the end, a priest, a pastor, or justice of the peace  waits to perform the final vows to a weary couple who has nothing left to lean on but each other.  Then, you can call the family in and celebrate in biblical style, because wedding feasts back then lasted for solid weeks.  I would imagine that the divorce rates in marriages that went through that kind of fire would be much smaller.

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I really didn’t see any of that at the wedding I went to last week, but the couple who were married have been through a lot of that obstacle course in the few months that they’ve known each other.  I was there when they met on what she said was one of the worst weeks of her life.  They met when she wore her worst attitude about life in general, and he did not back away from the fire.  A few months ago, they went through the tornado together, finding themselves trapped in a basement and having to dig out, and then scouring the remains of her childhood home searching for the rings they planned on wearing.  In the few short months they were together, they experienced more than most experience in a lifetime together, and emerged stronger for it.

It’s a commitment, and a covenant.  Not to be entered into lightly, and certainly not at the leading of your genitals. What feels good and right now, not always does.  And if you don’t learn to lean on each other and adapt to the curves that life throws at you, then you may be doomed to a life of brokenness and despair with someone you do not love.  Even after divorce, that pain will linger along with the ghosts of the memories of the good times you had with that person and the love you once had for them.

There is no way of knowing what will happen down the road, and there is certainly no way to prepare for what will come.  Choose carefully, my friends.