Just Out Of Reach

I’ve been all mopey for the past couple of days.  Something’s been on my mind that’s just drained the life out of me.

As I mentioned a few entries back, I got a new car through the generous aid of my parents.  Part of the car they gifted because they’ve helped my brother and sister out and wanted to be fair.  Part of the car is a loan that I will need to pay back.  It’s not something they’re forcing me to do right away, and it’s something they’ll understand on if I have another bill jump up and bite me in the ass and I need to defer my payment for a month or so.  Basically, it’s a "pay as every other responsible adult would" type of situation.  I feel like crap about having to borrow money from them because as an adult, you like to be independent and to not rely on anyone else.  Unfortunately, things being what they were/are with Tina the past few years, I’ve been nearly wiped out financially.  So I’ve been struggling to right the ship and get my course plotted ahead.  Currently, I’m working my primary job, and recently have been brought on as part time staff for the ministry I volunteer with.  These both have boosted my income.

The other night, I finally had in hand the paycheck that reflected my raise at my primary job, minus the retro pay they graciously give.  I figured up my budget and got depressed at the amount that was left to give as payment to my parents.  What got me even more depressed is the fact that I’ve realized that if we’re ever to have children, it’s going to have to be through adoption.  Adoption does not equal cheap.  That’s the thing that has me down today.  For some reason, that bug is hitting me extraordinarily hard.  It may be due to the fact that Tina has been watching a 2 year old and her brother as income lately.  The little girl has just been so sweet, and when she sees me she’ll run over and yell my name and give me a big hug.  Or she’ll come over and try to tickle me.  Or when I pick her up, she’ll give me a big squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.  At the same moment that I enjoy that, I feel a knife in my heart as this serves as a reminder of what I don’t have.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t shake it.  In the back of my mind, I also can’t help but think that this was how Tina felt those years ago when she was begging me to adopt and I felt the urge to wait a while.  Maybe it’s because the writing was on the wall concerning the events of the last three years or so.  I don’t know.  I just know that right now, I hear the clock. 

That’s all for now.  I might expand more on this later.