Everything’s So Blurry….
I have a very strong urge to write a real proper entry….
I want to write about my Life. Or more so the shocking lack there of. I want to to talk about how all this began…I want to look inside and see if I can pinpoint the moment that things started to go wrong, if there is a way to define it as wrongness…After all, I don’t really think anything can be put into catigories of right and wrong. I mean…it’s just…life. When did the fear take control and begin to kill me? Has it always been there? I can’t carry on this way. It’s been going on for far too long as is. Apathy…feasting…gorging on the baquet my despondency has created. Soon only flesh shall remain.
I want to write down my thoughts. There are so many thoughts inside my head and they are all screaming for release. And I have countless outlets to choose from, but instead I keep secrets buried deep within. My own weeping captives. Unescapeable…self inflected..mental torture which only manifestes itself and blossoms in my dreams. Thoughts. The source of my unending eternal nightmares.
I want to write about my day. I had a very full day out amougest the world and other people. It was a very enjoyable day…though I find that I had a really difficult time allowing myself to enjoy it. In everything I did today I felt so out of place….even with kim by my side. Have I become so isolated from the world around me, that everytime I try to jump in with both feet…I immediately become shell-shocked and detached? When did I become so insecure? Why am I so afraid? Even in the security of my own home, in the presence of friends and happy laughter I have a desire to melt into the walls and just disappear. Why? Why can’t I build a mask?
This is not depression. This is not my sadness. This is not cureable by taking little pink "happy" pills. Nor is self -harm the solution. Suicide is not an option. Destructiveness is best left in the past.
This. Is just me. Trying so hard to stop running away from everything…to turn ahead a make a change. This is me. Caught in a struggle.
Past.
Present.
Future.
I want to write about all of these things and so much more….
But I’m just so…..exhausted. Yet, I know that when I lay down to sleep, no rest will ever come. It never does.
Preoccuiped without you I can not live at all. ~Blurry, Puddle Of Mudd
Flower petals in the wind….
Just another passing sin.
Yet I die without her…
More each day.
In the absence of her glow…
I fade away.
~M~
if its any consolation that was beatiful… heart wrenching… but beautiful. anyway, i’m off to work its (6:08 am, tell me why i do this?) i love you.
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that was beautiful…and so are you. you just have to relax, give everything a chance and dont look at it in any kind of negative light. at all. you here me?! no negative! i wish i could do something to help….i’m emailing later…promise
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you’re right..it is scary how much we are alike. if you ever need someone know i’m here. love,
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Snap. :o|
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I love reading your entries, Meg. You’re so poetic and the words really bare your soul. *hugs* I wish you could be happier.
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*CUDDLE!!!* I wub you, girlie-head. I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug. If you ever need any help, advice, or just someone to vent on, you know how to get ahold of me. I miss you muchly, and love you even more! MUAH!!
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RYN: Yes, I did say sex… a lot more in todays entry! I hope all of you Curious Georges are satisfied and I dont get a bunch of Hate notes!!!! By the way that entry was beautiful. Hope you’re ok *Hugs* Lianne Marie xXx
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That’s the second time i’ve read that entry and I still think it’s beautiful. And now i want to hug you! Commeeere!!!!!!!!!! *hugs* RYN: Glad i’m pleasing someone honey! Live vicariously away… Lianne Marie xXx
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*laughs* I LOVE your notes!!! Nope I don’t get paid to write, not yet at least. Once i’ve finished my novel I hope to get paid a lot for it. *crosses fingers* Ow! Cramp! I work full time but I’ve just taken a week off to try and finish it… I still haven’t finished! Dammit! Back to work Monday! Lianne Marie xXx
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*snuggles* Thanks babes. I think i’ve led a different life from pretty much everyone! And I definitely have a different outlook. I like it when people potshot read my diary! If you want to read more – read my two entries called Things. They explain a lot. Lianne Marie xXx
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I’m glad that someone understands. It’s odd because although a lot of crap has happened and my family isn’t stable, i’m glad that i’m still a happy person. I can look back on the good things in my childhood and forget about all the bad stuff. Not a lot of people are that lucky. Lianne Marie xXx
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Yes, you may stalk me. *tosses you a spare set of night vision goggles* I read, like, the first 25 entries by DM – you guys were pretty hot & heavy! Glad you clicked me too! Lianne Marie xXx
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ryn: I will try and get yummy pics of his royal hotness for ya!
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My little meggles……..hmm… (HUGS) Oh and imy new friend is Tylynol PM… makes me sleep like a baby…….
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