Everything’s So Blurry….

I have a very strong urge to write a real proper entry….

I want to write about my Life. Or more so the shocking lack there of.  I want to to talk about how all this began…I want to look inside and see if I can pinpoint the moment that things started to go wrong, if there is a way to define it as wrongness…After all, I don’t really think anything can be put into catigories of right and wrong. I mean…it’s just…life.  When did the fear take control and begin to kill me?  Has it always been there? I can’t carry on this way. It’s been going on for far too long as is.   Apathy…feasting…gorging on the baquet my despondency has created. Soon only flesh shall remain.

I want to write down my thoughts.  There are so many thoughts inside my head and they are all screaming for release.   And I have countless outlets to choose from, but instead I keep secrets buried deep within.  My own weeping captives.  Unescapeable…self inflected..mental torture which only manifestes itself and blossoms in my dreams. Thoughts.  The source of my unending eternal nightmares.

I want to write about my day.  I had a very full day out amougest the world and other people.  It was a very enjoyable day…though I find that I had a really difficult time allowing myself to enjoy it. In everything I did today I felt so out of place….even with kim by my side. Have I become so isolated from the world around me, that everytime I try to jump in with both feet…I immediately become shell-shocked and detached?  When did I become so insecure?  Why am I so afraid? Even in the security of my own home, in the presence of  friends and happy laughter I have a desire to melt into the walls and just disappear.  Why?  Why can’t I build a mask?

This is not  depression. This is not my sadness.  This is not cureable by taking little pink  "happy" pills. Nor is self -harm the solution.  Suicide is not an option.  Destructiveness is best left in the past.

This.  Is just me.  Trying so hard to stop running away from everything…to turn ahead a make a change.  This is me. Caught in a struggle.

Past.

Present.

Future.

I want to write about all of these things and so much more….

But I’m just so…..exhausted.  Yet, I know that when I lay down to sleep, no rest will ever come.  It never does.

Preoccuiped without you I can not live at all. ~Blurry, Puddle Of Mudd

Flower petals in the wind….

Just another passing sin.

Yet I die without her…

More each day.

In the absence of her glow…

I fade away.

~M~

Log in to write a note
September 29, 2005

if its any consolation that was beatiful… heart wrenching… but beautiful. anyway, i’m off to work its (6:08 am, tell me why i do this?) i love you.

September 29, 2005

that was beautiful…and so are you. you just have to relax, give everything a chance and dont look at it in any kind of negative light. at all. you here me?! no negative! i wish i could do something to help….i’m emailing later…promise

September 29, 2005

you’re right..it is scary how much we are alike. if you ever need someone know i’m here. love,

September 29, 2005

Snap. :o|

September 29, 2005

I love reading your entries, Meg. You’re so poetic and the words really bare your soul. *hugs* I wish you could be happier.

September 29, 2005

*CUDDLE!!!* I wub you, girlie-head. I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug. If you ever need any help, advice, or just someone to vent on, you know how to get ahold of me. I miss you muchly, and love you even more! MUAH!!

September 29, 2005

RYN: Yes, I did say sex… a lot more in todays entry! I hope all of you Curious Georges are satisfied and I dont get a bunch of Hate notes!!!! By the way that entry was beautiful. Hope you’re ok *Hugs* Lianne Marie xXx

September 30, 2005

That’s the second time i’ve read that entry and I still think it’s beautiful. And now i want to hug you! Commeeere!!!!!!!!!! *hugs* RYN: Glad i’m pleasing someone honey! Live vicariously away… Lianne Marie xXx

October 1, 2005

*laughs* I LOVE your notes!!! Nope I don’t get paid to write, not yet at least. Once i’ve finished my novel I hope to get paid a lot for it. *crosses fingers* Ow! Cramp! I work full time but I’ve just taken a week off to try and finish it… I still haven’t finished! Dammit! Back to work Monday! Lianne Marie xXx

October 1, 2005

*snuggles* Thanks babes. I think i’ve led a different life from pretty much everyone! And I definitely have a different outlook. I like it when people potshot read my diary! If you want to read more – read my two entries called Things. They explain a lot. Lianne Marie xXx

October 1, 2005

I’m glad that someone understands. It’s odd because although a lot of crap has happened and my family isn’t stable, i’m glad that i’m still a happy person. I can look back on the good things in my childhood and forget about all the bad stuff. Not a lot of people are that lucky. Lianne Marie xXx

October 1, 2005

Yes, you may stalk me. *tosses you a spare set of night vision goggles* I read, like, the first 25 entries by DM – you guys were pretty hot & heavy! Glad you clicked me too! Lianne Marie xXx

October 1, 2005

ryn: I will try and get yummy pics of his royal hotness for ya!

October 6, 2005

My little meggles……..hmm… (HUGS) Oh and imy new friend is Tylynol PM… makes me sleep like a baby…….