World without end

"For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it."

I think maybe there is something in it. I think maybe i do need help. It can’t be meant to be like this.

I am being told that i really need professional help more and more frequently now.

I’ve been fighting against it, denying there is anything really wrong, nothing that i couldn’t put an end to if i decided to. But maybe that’s not true. It was never meant to be like this.

So how have i spent my weekend? My bf came to stay with me yesterday afternoon/night, so then i was forced to vaguely interact with the world, even though it must have been awful for him. He left this morning.

So what have i done when left to my own devices? I have slept on and off all day. I know that’s not so unusual a past time for a Sunday, but the feeling of wanting to never have to get up again isn’t.

And what else did I do?

I ate.

Would you like to know just what i’ve eaten?

Starting with drinks, 2 hot chocolates, plus fizzy water. Then food: a cheesy pasta ready meal, a thing of sweets, 2 bags of crisps, 2 nectarines, a ready prepared fruit salad, a pita bread with cheese and coleslaw, and then half the rest of the block of cheese. And then, to finish it off, i went to KFC and got one of the big family bucket things and ate 4 lots of chips, 3 of the Hot Rod things and 2 pieces of chicken.

And the thing is, i dont even really bat an eyelid to that sort of thing, because, quite frankly, since i first went to university 6 years ago now, i have eaten like that/worse every single day, except for the days when i dont eat at all.

It isnt something that happens now and then, it’s every day. I may occasionally manage a few days of more normal eating, but the only way i manage is telling myself that i am allowed to binge in x number of days, and then i just hang on until then. I dread to think what my arteries must look like.

And for so long now, i havent thought anything was really wrong with that, i could stop if i wanted, i dont want to stop anyway since i enjoy it.

But actually, i dont, and actually, i cant stop it. And actually, if i were to look at what i spent my student loan on, the amount of money i spent on food would be really, really shocking. I am actually getting myself in big financial difficulties through it.

I had also gone through a bit of a lull with self harming. But that’s come back again too.

And i shouldn’t be so scared of life, and i shouldn’t have to work so hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and i shouldn’t avoid human contact, and i shouldn’t come straight home from work every day and eat and cry and go to bed.

But the thing is, i also truely straight from my heart do not believe that counselling will help. I really, truely do not.

But i think that i need to find God again. I think that that might help. Since things have certainly got about 500% worse than they were since i lost him.

There are on call chaplains at the hospital. You can bleep them just like you can bleep a doctor. I think that is wonderful. But they are for the patients, not the staff.

And yes, going to church would probably be a good step, since i havent been in months and months now but i’m working next Sunday, and i’m too scared to go on my own. That sounds absolutely crazy since church is about the most welcoming and friendly place you could go, but i am terrified i might start crying if i go there.

It just really feels like there is no god in this place. I dont know why i hate it here so very much, not just work and all that, but even just walking around the streets, i really dislike it. It’s like this city has no god.

My bf has been trying to help. His first step on the way to get things better is to register with a GP and go and tell them i’ve been struggling.

I want to be better, but i dont want to do that. I dont know why it scares me so much, but it does. Last time i got really depressed, i did go to the GP in the end. I had been terrified of it then, but found a really good GP who i truely felt cared about me and it did me the world of good. She would even ring me and offer me any cancelled appointments during the day so we could just catch up every day. She really was special.

But for some reason, even with that good experience in the past, i have this feeling within me that it is not the right thing to do, and would not be good.

The other thing is every time i walk to or from work or the shops, i walk over this bridge over a busy road, and every time i feel myself being drawn to jump off of it. I’m just scared that one day i’ll be feeling especially bad at that moment and act on that impulse.

I dont know what i’m trying to say here. I think the reason i’ve let myself fall so far into depression is that it means you dont feel anything but grey, you dont really feel pain or worry or anythign else hurtful, just grey. But today, i think things got bad enough that i’ve seen that something has to happen.

Where are you god?