Utter lack of hope

You know what is worrying me.
I often get down. It’s not that rare for me to wish in a very dramatic way that feels completely real at the time that i was dead.

But it normally lasts one evening at most.

It’s been a few days now, and i would still rather like to die.

I go to bed hoping i wont wake up. What actually happens is i dont manage to get to sleep instead.

It’s different from my usual working myself up into a state and then wishing that i were dead in a very vitriolic, teenage way.

It’s almost like i’m already dead.

It’s long, drawn out, flat. There is no deep pit of despair this time. It is just level misery. It is just grey and hopeless as far as i can see. I’m almost managing life better than i normally would merely because nothing seems to matter any more.

Like there’s no need to get as worked up about food, sex, money or anything as i normally would, because i almost feel like i’m living on borrowed time. I’m not dead, but i dont want to be alive, so i dont really care what happens, so if i eat and get fat, then i’m not really alive anyway for that to matter.

My boyfriend is lying asleep in bed in the room behind me. I cant tell him. There’s no point in telling him. He’ll get upset and cuddle me and try to make me feel better. But he’s already cuddled me. It doesn’t help.

I dont want help. I dont want to eat, i dont want to sleep, i cant think of a single thing i want to do. I dont want to go back to St Kitts even and that was my dream place. I dont want anything other than the complete stillness and emptines of death.

I dont even believe in god anymore.

There just cant be. Not when things are like this. Not in my life anyway. Maybe there is a god, but he is not with me.

I want to be dead, but i dont want to have to die to get that. It is another thing on the list of things that i dont want. So i want it and i dont want it. I dont even really want to be happier. I cant describe this feeling. It is just absolute despair, despondancy, helplessness.

Utter lack of hope. I just looked it up in the thesaurus and that is it perfectly.

Utter lack of hope.