try, try again

I’m back from hols with my parents. It was ok, nothing special but nothing too bad happened. When I got there the door was jammed shut so we had to go round the long way. A guy came and fixed it for £170 and then it wouldn’t stay shut! The weather was mainly crap, but came out nice enough to go out in the garden for the last 2 days. I mainly read books, watched TV and played the piano. Went into Newcastle one day. Dad got violently ill again while I was there, as he does every single time I go home, but he was recovered by the time i left again, so that was ok in the end.

But tomorrow I have to go back to Northampton. Nooooooo. And the weather’s hot now so I dread to think what sort of temperature my room there will be. I’m currently writing at some obscene time in the morning because i cant sleep because it’s too hot, and this is nothing compared to what it’ll be like there. Plus the filth and the cockroaches and the nasty people. Ugh.

Paul has suddenly stopped talking to me. After he came last time he didn’t text me the next day like he normally does to check I’m ok. In general, he normally gets in touch with me in some form every day. But since then he hasn’t really. I spoke to him online one night while I was at home, and we were going to meet this weekend to do something nice – i even offered to get the bus down to him instead of him driving here, but then he texted later on in the week to say it’s the Tour de France this weekend which means that the roads will be blocked so they need more people to work so he has to work. A load of bollocks if you ask me.

Despite me sending god knows how many texts to try and work out what’s going on, he hasnt been replying. He sent one to say the other girl he is seeing has passed her exams so will be going back to france, probably for good, but that is the last i heard and that was a few days ago and i’ve sent loads of texts since asking how he feels about that, when shes going, what that means for us, what the hell is going on, and there’s just been no reply. It’s very frustrating.

plus, he’d said he’d be on the internet to talk every night last week, but he only came on for one of them.

He did send me one other text during the week to ask if I wanted to see him during next week in Northampton since he is working in Leeds and could stop off on the way home, but that would mean him literally coming, fucking me, then leaving, so I said no, and then it just returned to silence from him again.

He always does this. He promises me that we’ll do something nice that isnt sex, then a few days before that’s meant to happen he’ll show up, force me to have sex and be really nasty to me, and then something’ll come up and we cant do the nice thing anymore. It drives me insane. And now that he’s ignoring me it’s driving me even more insane.

I know people will be pleased that he’ not getting in touch since he’s bad for me, but i can guaranttee that once he’s horny and wants to have sex with me again, he will still come and do it regardless, it’s just that now he doesn’t even talk to me and try to make me feel ok again inbetween, so it’s actually way worse.

Tomorrow I plan on going out, buying the biggest load of food you have ever seen, and just sitting and eating it all. I know I havent talked about eating for a long time. Let’s just say it is very, very messed up right now.