Time keeps moving on

I met up with Paul again a couple of weeks ago. In fact, i took 2 days off work which i really cant afford so close to finals, and went all the way there on the bus, which costs £23 and takes about 6 hours each way, and i only got to see him for a couple of hours in the evening, (then we had sex a couple of times), then we slept together, then he got up and went to work and i was just sat in his house for the day. He came back at lunchtime (and we had sex), and then he briefly came home later in the afternoon to drive me to the bus stop for me to go home. It was a stupid, stupid thing for me to do. But he carried my bag out to car for me when we were leaving, and when i looked in there, he’d put £20 in there. It made me feel bad. I don’t know why.

I’d also written him a long letter while he was at work, explaining how upsetting the whole situation is to me, mainly because while i was in his house, everywhere i looked there were traces of the girl he is seeing. Literally everywhere, and there were photos of her up around the house, and her toilettries in the bathroom, and it was just completely clear that she lives there full time. So basically, i was saying in the letter that it kills me that i dont get to talk to him because he is with her, and it really does hurt me so much that maybe the only way forward is to never talk to him again. He texted me saying that wasnt an option.

I met up with Paul again on Hallowe’en. No sex involved, my excuse is i had my period. We went for a meal, we drove a very long way with me changing the gears for him since he had a bad arm, it was just the typical kind of bizarre night that characterises my life.

Needless to say, once it was over, i got all upset again because i wouldn’t be seeing him for ages again. I can’t stop it, this being alone fear is really bad at the moment. Every time we talk it consists of me getting upset with him over how infrequently we talk and see each other, and about the other girl, and then he gets angry with me for getting upset, and that happens every single time. I repeated again in a voicemail message to him when he refused to answer the phone to me that if this is how it’s going to be, it would be kinder for me if we just never heard from each other or saw each other again, and he left me a message on messenger the next day (while i wasnt there so could talk to him) saying that he doesnt want to lose me, but because of all my work i cant see him that often anyway (which is bollocks, i could talk to him every day and see him at least once a week no problem), but basically said he doesnt want to never speak to me again. So i decided to back down again as usual, and texted him saying ok and that i love him. And he hasnt replied. Silence in response. And the reason is that he is with the other girl all weekend. And so instantly, i am in horrific pain again.

The day before Hallowe’en bought and prepared and carved my own pumpkin and even went so far as to toast the pumpkin seeds to eat them. I decided it was time to be grown up like that. Although it was a little sad i was doing it on my own and not with my husband and kids.

Tomorrow i am meeting up with another ex. When we were going out, we went to see the original Saw film together, and then on the anniversary of that every year he’s texted me saying he’s seen the poster for Saw 2/3/4 and thought of me and should we meet up. So apparently Saw 4 must be coming out because we’re meeting up again. I could get him to have sex with me just by looking at him, and the temptation is there to do it. I don’t even know why, i’m not horny, it’s not really sex i want, i guess just to feel valued and wanted. Which is why we’re meeting outdoors and just going for a walk instead! Take away that temptation!

I’m also feeling a little happier in general since a couple of good things have happened. It’s bonfire night on monday as i’m sure you all know, and my friend has actually made positive noises about going to a fireworks display with me, so maybe we are still friends and not just people who used to be friends. I also got accepted to go to St Kitts for 6 weeks next year, to "work"!!! aka, sit on a beach eating coconuts and bananas for 6 weeks. It’s a little scary, but i now definitely have something to look forward to in the future, whereas it was all doom and gloom before.

It’s also good in another way. I’m probably going to have to show off my legs at some point while there, so it’s absolutely compulsory now that i dont cut anymore to give things a chance to fade as much as possible. I’ll still have scars there, but the older they are, the less noticeable. So hopefully i might be able to get out of that bad habit.

Another thing i’d like to mention is food. I’ve not been trying to stop eating. When i go shopping, i still buy absolute crap – crisps, chips, sweets, all the really bad stuff, plus a few more normal items. But the point is, where i used to go shopping for all that stuff every day and eat it all every day, now, i just really dotn want to eat. I think i still get hungry, but when it comes to actually eating, the thought of it just makes me feel sick. More to the point, i start thinking about something else (either the whole Paul situation, job application form, or approaching exams), and then i feel too sick to eat. So without having to do my usual going to hell and back to stop myself from eating, i’m actually not trying, but i’ve managed to get down to 9 and a half stone, whereas i used to always be over 10. And i still eat crap. When i do eat it tends to be absolute shit. I’ve got a thing for marks and spencers rocky road, and so in a day, maybe i’ll just eat a couple of pieces of that, and while it is crap for me, because i cant make myself eat the other meals, i’m still losing weight. I know i’m going to end up malnourished though, so i do try to force myself to eat proper food every day, but it really is forcing myself. I have to treat myself like a small kid, telling myself to just eat one more spoon, and then just one my spoon, or whatever.

So i’m happy about that. I was in a tutorial on thursday and the doctor actually said to me, completely spontaneously, "you’re one of those people who can eat whatever they want and stay skinny arent you". Now, i know i’m still miles away from being ‘skinny’, i’m still not even at ‘normal’, still ‘fat’ infact, but it made me feel SO damn good. Also, it’s not true, if i was eating normal amounts of food, i would be absolutely frikkin enormous. But still, the fact she said it to me and not someone else in the room made me feel good.

The only slightly bad thing about it is the mornings. I have to cycle up the most enormous hill known to man in the morning to get to work. It’s about a 20 minute cycle in total, and part of that is seriously uphill, and most of the rest is moderately uphill. So it’s kinda important that i’ve had some form of fluid before i go. I’m not so worried about the food part before i go, but i find that i wake up and not only can i not face the thought of eating, but the thought of putting anything in my mouth is absolutely horrific. So much so, that i’ve had to really struggle with myself and often i only manage to literally drink a sip of water and that makes me actually retch. Which makes me come incredibly close to fainting when i get to

work. Infact, i spend a lot of my time these days coming very close to fainting. But yes, that is the part which is not so good.