That smarts a little

I feel a bit guilty for writing about this. It isnt really fair when i’m only presenting my side of the story.

So Paul and me were/are meant to be meeting up on thursday. It’s been a while since we have again, the weeks just go by and he’s too busy with other things, so it just doesnt happen. But this thursday it was meant to happen again. And he came online last night and we started talking. Only he had obviously got confused and thought he was talking to someone other than me.

So i asked him if thursday was still happening and if so what sort of time, because thursdays are actually really bad days for me – i often dont get home till about 9pm, so i needed to know which things i needed to cancel. That was my reason for asking.

Anyway, keep in mind that he actually thought he was talking to his girlfriend and not me, but his response was essentially to say

"I dont know, Laura has asked if i can come see her, but i dont know if i want to go."

Now, at this point, i literally almost threw up with the emotions running through me. It was obvious he didnt know it was me he was talking to, or he wouldnt have called me laura. But i asked him why he didnt want to go, and he said (still not knowing it was me):

"I dont know if i want to do the drive, it is a long way for a few hours, i figure that i might want to relax and stay home. What was so special about thursday?"

At that point i made it clear who i was, and he told me to forget all that and he was definitely coming and he definitely wanted to come, and the reason he’d said it was to try to make sure his girlfriend didnt freak out about him coming to see me by sounding nonchalent about the whole thing, and essentially to ultimately get her to tell him he ought to go.

So if you accept that explanation, i guess it is fair enough.

But if you stop and think about it, there are so very many upsetting things about it.

For a start, how do i know who it is he’s lying to? Are the things he tells her true, or are the things he tells me true? I asked him that and he said he tells me the truth, and then got upset with me and went away.

But how do i know that? It’s obvious that if she asked him the same question, he’d tell her he was telling the truth too.

There’s also the fact that he does occasionally have the opportunity to come and see me and he doesnt take it, which would add weight to the truth being that actually he doesnt really want to see me and would rather stay home.

There’s also the fact that he didnt even notice that it was me he was talking to. Is he always thinking about her when he’s talking to me? Even more so, was he thinking about her when we used to have sex?

The list of insecurities that it raises just go on forever.

I am aware that i cant say things that didnt happen, but it does sound if you read it and imagine i HAD been his girlfriend, that if i had wanted to see him on thursday, and something special had come up, that he would have said yes to that. I can honestly imagine that he would cancel our plans to do something with her. Because there have been times in the past when we were meant to be meeting and it ended up not happening, and i’m not entirely clear why not. It was officially because i’d got upset at something and said something ‘nasty’ to him and so he wasnt coming anymore. I’m just not 100% sure that the situation wasnt actually that something like this had happened, and his gf had declared that she wanted to be with him, so he purposefully said some things he knew would upset me, so that he could use it as an excuse not to come see me. Obviously, this could well all be in my head, but i’m sure you can see why i think it if you read the conversation. It seems to follow that if the answer from her had been "yeah, it’s really special, i just got a new bra and want you to see it", that he wouldnt really have said no to that.

I am aware that it is a long drive for him, but the point is that he knew it would be before he ever met me, and for several months, he managed it most weekends. Now all of a sudden it’s too much, even though it only happens about once every few months. I mean surely if someone means something to you, when you know you have the full day off work, it’s not too much to ask them to drive maybe a total of 10 hours to see you. I’m not trying to make it sound like that’s a small feat, but when it is SO infrequent, and when you supposed love the person, SURELY it is worth it? At the end of the day, if i was allowed to see him at weekends (which i’m not), i’d go to see him every weekend, even though it takes me quite considerably longer than that to get to him, and also costs me a whole load of money. I cant do it at other times, because i really cant take the time off work to do it. I have done in the past, but with finals in about a month, it just cannot happen anymore.

I’m not writing this to get people to agree that he’s done something wrong. I dont even really see it as him doing anyting wrong. I wish i could see it that way. I wish i could hate him so everything goes away. But every single bad thing that happens i dont blame on him at all, it is all my fault. Whenever he cant see me because he is with his girlfriend instead, i blame myself. Whenever he doesnt reply to a text, it’s my fault.

And i’m really not writing to get people to say "oh you have to stop blaming yourself" because i dont have to stop blaming myself.

I also blame her. I hate her so much. I would hurt her if i ever came near her. The only person i dont blame is him.

i’m just writing to get it all out.

because it’s just upset me so much.

and i know i get to see him so infrequently that i desparately want to see him on thursday, but i also know that i’ll be looking at him and thinking that he doesnt even want to be here. he doesnt want me. he doesnt love me. he is thinking of his girlfriend and it is her he wants to be with.