Summer hols

I’m back from my hols back home in Northumberland.

The rest of the country may be in drought but in Northumberland it never stops raining. I had to wear a jumper for the first 2 weeks and have the central heating on – it was bloody freezing! But it was nice and warm for the final week so I got horrifically sunburned and have now got a vague tan, which is nice.

My parents were trying really, really hard to be nice to me and make sure everything perfect, which made me feel guilty since I wasnt really enjoying myself all that much, but I did really appreciate the effort.

They took me out a few places – shopping and bought me new clothes, to the beach at Tynemouth and Amble, The Alnwick Gardens, some otehr gardens, Metro Centre, out for meals. It was nice, although I was kinda bored in general, although i settled into the doing nothing thing towards the end.

My sister got engaged during that time. Dad was absolutely thrilled and wouldnt shut up about it, Mum seemed happy enough. I’m pleased for her, but it kinda highlights the fact that I dont even have a boyfriend.

The plane back on Sunday was 2 hours delayed and then the bus was an hour late, so that was a LONG journey back to Oxford.

Started my A and E rotation yesterday. The people there seem nice, I get to go out on an ambulance at some point, and also into the resusitation room and everything. I can’t be bothered with any of it though, i just want to doss at home, which isnt good and is kinda selfish of me, but what can you do.

The wanker said hi to me on MSN messenger straight away, which is really rare given that i normally have to say ho about 15 times before he responds. I was kinda hopeful since i asked if he’d missed me and he said yes. However, he then told me he has found a fuck buddy. She’s a married women with a young kid, but he says he doesnt feel guilty because she sees nothing wrong with it. I asked if he still needed me if he had her, and he said variety is the spice of life, and then went on to copy and paste some advice on how to give a good bj from the internet for me so i could get in practice for him. How bloody rude!!

He wanted to meet up last night, and part of me was absolutely dying to. To be honest, I spent all holiday dreaming about him. I even told him that i’d been thinking about him, and he told me that in the future whenever i’m with anyone sexually he wants me to think how much worse they are compared to him. And the annoying thing is i probably will as well, but there’s nothing i can do about it because he still doesnt want me.

Anyway, I didn’t meet him and he said that was the last option for another 4 weeks because he’s going away to the desert, I assume with his work. It’s been a good  6 months since I last saw him anyway now, but i’m still a bit cross with myself for not taking him up last night given i’d been dreaming about it all holiday, but i’m feeling too fat, and part of me thinks it’d be better to really focus on loosing weight for the next 4 weeks and then meet him when i’m looking better and hopefully then he’ll be more likely to actually fall in love with me and want me as more than fuck buddy number 2.

I know I need to get over him, and this has been dragging on too long, but the thing is, I can have him sexually whenever i want, I just cant have any more than that from him. I dont want a relationship like that, but he’s not going to say no to meeting me because he enjoys the stuff we do, so when you fancy someone, if they wont say no and push you away, it’s really hard to do it yourself. There’s always the question of whether they may just change their mind at some point and fall deeply in love with you.