Solid stone’s just sand and water

and a million years gone by.

Today is the day I’ve been dreading for a long time. It all got a bit much for me last night. I’d managed to go to the gym in the morning, but had done no work all day and was dreading today, so I’m afraid that I cut myself pretty badly. Worse than usual.

And even worse, I told someone I was thinking about doing it. Someone I have to face again. Oh God. And now they’ll no doubt ask me tonight if I did it or not (they told me to ring them if I was actually going to do it), and I don’t think I can lie to them. I need to learn to keep my fat mouth shut.

I just went to bed in the end having not done any work whatsoever. And it hurt to lay on my side from where I’d cut myself. But now it’s 11 hours later, and the day I’m dreading has started.

I have to go to the hospital to see my supervisor about my essay. I don’t think terrified even comes close to describing how I feel about it. I don’t know how to find him, I don’t know what to ask him, he obviously think what I’m writing about is a load of rubbish. I have to go on the bus which is expensive and fairly stressful too. I just want to go back to bed. I don’t want to have to face it, but I have to do it or I’ll definitely fail.

Then it is the medics meal. I hate medics. I’m too fat. I have nothing to wear. I’ve been over this before, but it really upsets me. I think I’m going to pretend to feel ill (there’s something going round at the minute) so I can leave as soon as the meal is over and just come back here and hide away again.

I’m dreading today so much.