not good

I’m not doing so good right now. In fact, I may go so far as to say I’m doing badly.

The guy sent me the bill for his car. It came to £60 but he only wanted £30 and suggested I spend the rest on fixing my bike. As if I have a bike fund set aside. He’s a lawyer though, so I just sent him the money and I’ll just have to continue riding a bike without any brakes. I’m sure as a lawyer he was truely hurting for £30.

I had my exam. I know people always think they’ve done badly, but there was one station where I didnt read the instructions right, so was literally sitting there in silence for abuot 5 minutes not knowing what to do, until the roleplayer pointed to the bit that said "take a sexual history", which i’d completely missed somehow. I then was so flustered I asked about it by saying "so, have you had sex recently?" It doesnt take a medical degree to know that is not the way to go about it. In the same station I didn’t know if doxycycline was safe in pregnancy (it isnt, but i decided it was), and then suggested she should have a caesarian section so as not to pass the infection on to her baby (which is a complete load of bollocks). Yes, this was only one station, but you have to pass each station individually to pass overall, so it seems i’ve failed yet another rotation and you have to do a viva as the resit. So there;s no way i’d pass that either.

I got home and have never actually been so close to killing myself in my whole life. I was actually truely scared of myself because I really thought I was going to do it this time. I really don’t know how, but somehow self preservation came through in the end. I actually dont remember what I did that night, but some how i calmed myself down eventually and went to bed.

I then spent the whole weekend trying to appease myself and calm myself down abit, since i was still really right on the edge there, so i got a whole load of dvds and a whole load of food and have done nothing but eat, sleep and watch dvds all weekend, and that managed to distance my life from reality enough for me to keep going.

Spoke to my parents on the phone today. Dad has a conference in Florida in July and Mum is going with him so they can go to Disneyland. They didn’t bother to invite me because obviously I will be working, having not been on an actual holiday away in about 7 years now. I know lots of people don’t get to go on holiday and it is very selfish of me, but this has upset me SO much, especially since i adore all things to do with disney. I know, just grow up and stop being such a selfish brat.

So it’s back to work tomorrow to face the next rotation which starts with gerentology. God knows how i’m actually going to get myself out of the door. I dont feel very safe to go to bed right now since my mind will start overworking and i know i’ll end up getting up again and cutting myself, so i’m going to kill some time, and then of course be shattered for the day tomorrow.

Still, heaven awaits those who don’t commit suicide.