My own private hell

My hell is private. Because there is no-one here to share it with me. There is no-one to drag me out of it.

I can sit here for 5 hours, staring at an apple trying to decide if it is safe to eat it or not, and there is no-one to see me doing it and tell me it’s not normal. I then decide the apple isn’t safe, so don’t eat it, but later on in the day end up collapsing and then eating an entire packet of biscuits etc etc. Then i have to try and decide if i should go and throw it up again.

And no-one sees it, so no-one knows. By definition, i don’t have the insight in times like that to know that what i am doing is ‘wrong’, so there is no way that i can help myself. All these people love trying to sound philosophical by stating those well known lines that no-one can help you but yourself. I would argue that when you are in that situation, you do not have the insight to be able to help yourself. You need someone else to stop you.

And there is no-one, so there is no way of getting out of it.

During lucid intervals i can look at what i’m doing and think that i need to change it, but then when it happens, i’m not lucid anymore, so who is there to stop me?

No-one knows what i eat or how i eat it or how much it consumes. Because no-one is here to see it happening.

It all balances out anyway. Dont eat, then eat everything.

The solution to it, just to give it away, is that God is always with me. So i am never alone and there is always someone watching over me.

I just cant see that sometimes. The only times i manage to remember about God are when i dont need Him.

In the same way that the only time people are with me, is when i dont need help. I’m hardly going to go out with friends when i’m in the middle of crisis, so when i need the help, that is when i am alone.

But anyway, the real point is, this has been going on forever, and i’m still here, and i still get by, and so…

i dont need help.