I can’t breathe

I’m panicing again.

This has got to stop.

I can’t breathe. I think i’m dying.

No, just panicing.

Everytime that i try to go to sleep at night, i end up having a panic attack.

Which means i dont sleep at night, which means i’m too tired to work during the day.

There is just so much stuff that makes me panic if i think about it.

1. Work/exams. And absolutely enormous one at the moment. I know i’m not alone in it. Everyone in my year looks like death and practically collapses in a heap on the floor when you mention exams. It is rediculously stressful and panic inducing.

2. Elective. This is a new one tonight, but suddenly i’ve realised i’m going to be stuck on tiny island with a girl who doesnt like me anymore for 8 weeks. Even if we did like each other, what is meant to happen for 8 weeks. And more to the point it’ll be 8 weeks without being able to see/talk to …

3… The ex. The whole situation is still as freshly painful and bad as it ever was. And now he’s so tired of hearing about it that’s he’s started threatening to completely remove himself from my life.

4. Dad. Unwell. Plus just the general fear of people i love dying. This has got a million times worse since studying medicine. Suddenly everything is a symptom of someone dying. And just knowing how little there is that can be done about practically everything.

5. Sister’s wedding. Only a minor stress really, but just having to take 3 days off, knowing i’ll look half dead at it and generally shit, not really knowing what is happening, and not knowing anyone there but having to make conversation for 3 days when i need to be revising.

6. Food and fatness, although for once, the other stresses are so far outweighing it that i almost dont care.

7. Actually being a doctor. I dont have a clue what to do. I’ll actually be holding peoples’ lives in my hands, and in way under a year now. I’m not ready and the thought is so bad it instantly starts me panicing.

8. The past. Both the good and bad bits of it. For some reason, thinking about any aspect of my past makes me freak out, and i’m not sure why.

9. Husband. This is one of the more major ones at the moment. As things stand, i cannot imagine that anyone is ever going to want me long term, and i’m terrified beyond words that i’m not going to find a husband and father for my kids who will live with me forever. It freaks me out instantly to think of this one.

10. Money. I manage not to let this one freak me out as much as it used to. I think i’ve now got used to seeing the debt having 5 figures to it. not a major panic-inducer at the moment. Just a backgroung worry.

11. Lack of friends. This is more something that makes me sad than panics me, and it doesnt even make me as sad it used to anymore. But i never do anything with friends anymore, and it’s not really entirely lack of time, it’s more a lack of them wanting to. It’s sad, and i really havent done anything with friends for months now. Nothing besides work and very occasionally seeing the ex. And that makes me sad, but i wouldnt say it panics me.

12. My own death. About 40% of the time i wish i was dead. But i would never actually do it. And in fact, when i think about it, i am SO scared of dying. I am absolutely terrified of it. And it would make me panic if i thought about it, but to be honest, i dont think i ever really think about it.

Having reached 12 i have managed to calm down again. I dont think i’m ready to try sleeping again since that’ll bring it back, but i can breathe again.

So now that i’m not in that space anymore, i find it hard to classify what it is my brain is screaming at me. So i’ll stop.

I am now back to my background worries which are there all the time, and they are work/exams and the ex and how his feelings have changed about me. So just ticking over as normal again.