I am back – has anything changed?

Hello to anyone who remembers me and comes back for a visit.

So I had a quick skim over my last entry to see when that was and work out what has happened since. Obviously since that was nearly a year ago, a LOT has happaned since, and obviously I can go into details or it’ll take a year to write it, so I will just write the main pointers.

Work

I still have a job, I finished that rotation, then moved to a different hospital for pyschiatry, which was a very quiet easy job. Then I moved to another new town and hospital for a medical job, which was ok since I liked one of the other people I was working with so basically got through the day chatting. I am now working in yet another new town and job in a very very quiet job. The only problem with it is that I have to work across 2 sites, and without a car, that means commuting over 4 hours a day when I am working at the other site. So I am going to get some more lessons and car after Christmas. The idea terrifies me but it has to be done now, there isn’t really any option. I cannot keep commuting like this! I am also currently in the process of applying for jobs for next August onwards, so from Jan to March I will have a succession of exams and job interviews, and am terrified about that too!

Home

So with all those different jobs I have moved house 4 times since I last wrote, which has been just awful. However, I quite like the actual room I am in now, the location is the only problem being a long way from anywhere, so that is another reason to learn to drive. I’ve been home to see my parents once, and am going home again on Christmas Eve. Not seen my sister at all.

Travels

I went to Amsterdam for 4 days with the boyfriend (the same one as in the last entry, (read below for more gossip). It started off really nice, but on the second to last evening, I decided to try a ‘space cake’, since he likes getting high and I was finally persuaded into trying it. I honestly believe it would have no effect on me, but i can honestly say it was the worst experience of my life. It made me really really sick, and the effects lasted a few days! I cant really quite put it into words to accurately portray what it was like, but i just didnt know where i was and i couldnt cope with that feeling. It was like I would take a sip of fizzy drink, and then a second later not be able to work out why my mouth tasted sweet because i couldnt stay in reality long enough to remember anything. When I tried to pee, I kept freaking out because I couldn’t work out what the sensation was. And as I say, it must have gotten stuck in my stomach (and i couldnt eat anything to push it through due to the sensation described above), so i felt that awful for the whole of the next day, and almost didnt make it home. I was in the hotel room literally sobbing and screaming because i wanted it to stop but nothing would. Then i tried to kill myself because i just needed it to end. It really wasnt good. And then when I got home again, that feeling wore off but i was sick in terms of fevers and throwing up and fainting for another 5 days or so. I do wonder what was actually in that thing.

However, the good newsis it put off drugs for life, Never, ever again. And the first 2 days of the holiday were good, it’s just that things got ruined at the end.

Love

So the last entry had my boyfriend about the split up with me. I would say the same thing has happened on and off for the entire year. There was a really really bad patch in March where one day everything was fine. In fact he even told me he’d been looking at engagement rings. The next we had an argument on the phone. A few days later he admitted he rang to say he wanted to split up, just like that. I talked to him for a bit and he seemed to change his mind, but then someone knocked on his door so he had to go. He admitted the next day that it had been a woman who he had had sex with. I always knew that kind of thing would hurt, I just never knew quite how much. I couldnt breathe it hurt so much. Anyway a week or so went by of him deciding who he wanted more, me or her ( i never fail to put myself through the most humiliating situations), and he eventually decided he wanted me more, so of course I had him back.

Since then, we have a good day, then argue, then he says he wants to split up. We really did split up once, but I went back to his house, we had sex, and he decided he wanted me back again.

It is as unhealthy as it sounds. It really is a case of one good day. One argument. He wants to split up. A few days of me convincing him otherwise. One good day. One argument. He was wants to split up. Continue ad infinitum. We were in that state over my birthday so he just never got me a present.

The main source of argument is that we live a long way apart, it is now a 4 hour journey for me on the train to get to him, which i religiously do every weekend he doesnt have his daughter. But i hate it, he never makes the effort to come to me instead, he never offers any money towards, he never says thank you, he expects me to clean his house for him when he gets there, he grumbles about having to feed me when i am there even though i paid way more money to get to him, when i go there he then sits on the computer and ignores me. It is not healthy at all, and i really hate him sometimes, and he makes me more miserable than anyone i know. But whenever he says he wants to split up, i die inside and cant imagine life without him.

The solution to it all was meant to be when I got a new job next August, I could apply to one near him so we could live together and the whole travelling thing wouldnt come up which would also make most of the other arguments go away too. He’s told me not to apply to the area near him. He says it’s not because he doesnt want to live with me (although when asked he will not say he DOES want to live with me now either), but rather that i stay where i am, and he might look for a new job nearer me because he doesnt enjoy his job anyway.

I could rant on about him forever, This is just a brief summary of the main points in my life. I will try to write more often from now on, now that i have access to the internet again!