Greed

I decided today to try and eat ‘healthily’. I either eat nothing, or i eat absolute shit in enormous quantities – like seriously huge amounts, as much as a normal person would eat in a day but all in one go. Sometimes even more. And it’s normally really, really bad food. But today i thought, let’s find some middle ground. So i went out and i bought salad, and vegetables. And i ate salad and vegetables and rice. And then i went out and bought more food that wasn’t so healthy, and i ate that too, and then i was hot so i went out and bought not one but 2 ice lollies and ate those, and so it went on and on and on. Some day i should actually write a list of all the food i eat in a day, and you would be disgusted, you honestly couldnt imagine it when i get like this.

So i truely am incapable of eating normally. So what do i do? My options are to either let myself eat, accepting that i am going to keep going until i am physically in pain from eating so much (and hence get absolutely enormous), or not eat at all. I guess i’ll just keep alternating between the two.

I guess i just always thought that if i had to eat normally then i could, and i was choosing not to, but it seems that not the case, and hasn’t been for about 6 years now. 6 whole years. I can remember exactly what i ate on any day stretching back for years and years. All i ever think about is food, what i’ve eaten, what i’m going to eat. I often blank out in teaching sessions because my mind has switched onto food and i cant get it back. I’ll be examining a patient, and thinking about food the whole time i’m doing it, and this has been going on continually for 6 years.

It ruins everything, and i am SO tired. I wake up and think about food, i go to bed and cant sleep because i’m thinking about food. Today i know for a fact i wont be able to sleep because i ate so much and i’ll be stressing about it.

One of my ex-boyfriends texted me today asking what i’m doing with myself this weekend, obviously hoping to meet up. And my first thought was that what i had actually planned to do with these 3 days off was to obsess about food, and taking loads of time shopping in loads of different shops so i can get exactly what i want, and be able to spend the whole time absorbed by food. So i made up some excuse, because i couldn’t give up that time. That is how much it means to me.

I think where it actually all went wrong was when i was wandering down to town to buy my ‘healthy’ food, and my friend and her bf happened to cycle past me. She was looking all tarty, and they were going for a trip to Blenheim Palace. Anyway, it just made me realise how alone i am, and how much i want to have someone to spend my weekends with, so i dont have to spend them with food. And i guess that’s when i started feeling down and it all went to hell again.

Even writing about all this, i feel physically sick from having eaten so much, i honestly dont think my stomach can physically hold any more food, and yet because i’m starting to feel emotional, all i can think is i want to eat stuff.

There was one period at the start of the year when i was working a week of nights, so i got into a real routine with food – i’d take a salad and fruit to work for ‘lunch’ at midnight, then come home in the morning and have my dinner of a ready meal (not good for me i know, but at least it was only one instead of eating 10 in a row). And that was what i would eat, and i felt so good, and i lost weight even though it was only one week. But i just cannot get into that again now. If i buy stuff for a salad, i will literally eat all of it, instead of just making one salad, and then i think that since i’ve already eaten all that, why not just eat all the food in the house whether it belongs to me or not.

So there is deadly sin number 1 – greed. I may do a series on these.