God help me

I havent been recording it all in here, but for the last 14 days i’ve been managing to eat about 300-500 cals a day, and between 4 and 6g fat. That’s just to set the scene.

I think for my own safety’s sake, i’m feeling completely emotionally numb right now.

So today i Ate. That’s ate with a big A because i’m talking some serious eating here.

I actually added it up and it came to a hair under 2000 cals, almost exactly on the nose, and just a hair under 60g fat. Yes, i said sixty grams of friggin fat. And two thousand calories.

You know the worst part is that i came home, and i thought to myself, you know i’m not even hungry, i don’t have to eat. And then i thought no laura, you have to eat something, you’re not allowed not to eat anything.

So then my worst nightmare actually came true and i found that once i started eating, i couldn’t fucking stop again. And i HATE myself so deeply that i was so weak about it. I hate that i cant even control what i eat. I couldn’t stop myself. How disgusting and greedy and dirty am i?

Of course the temptation now is to go run and throw it up, but i’m not allowing myself to do that. I just have to live with the fat filled consequences of it.

Now in order to stop myself slicing myself up over this, i need to have a plan so i know that while everything isn’t ok now, it will be ok in soon.

So tomorrow is a bit of an issue in that i have to organise and cook a meal for lots of people. We are having a BBQ. I could just try and pretend i’m sick and so just eat a bit of salad, but i have to take them out clubbing afterwards, and unless you’ve tried not eating surruptiously at a meal, you have no idea how hard it is and how many dodgy comments you get. So tomorrow, i’m going to give myself a break. Given that today was so bad, i’m going to be enormous anyway, so what difference does it really make? So tomorrow i’ll have my usual salad at lunch for 64 cals and 0.8g fat, and then in the evening, i will just eat a small helping of whatever is at the BBQ, trying to eat as little and as healthy as is possible, but without looking weird or abnormal about it, and not freaking out about it either. I may also drink a bit of alcohol to get me through the night. I know that’s terrible for calories, but i’ll need something to get me through it, and given that i havent drunk in ages, it should literally only be about a glass of wine that’s needed to get me wasted.

Then after tomorrow, which is my day off, i’m going to really get back down to it. I will have exactly one week before i’m going home to visit my parents for 2 weeks. So in that week, i’ll do the best i can to reverse the damage today and tomorrow will cause. But i’m not allowed to make myself throw up.

I’m aware that when i go home, i’m going to have to eat, and a LOT. My parents express their love in terms of food, and normally i try to fight against that and skip meals and eat as little as possible, and every time my parents get so upset about it, we have a massive fight, and it ruins the whole thing. So for those 2 weeks i will eat what is put in front of me when it is put in front of me. I wont ask for any extra or ever just get something for myself, but in kind, i wont try to skip meals or miss parts out of them.

Then once those 2 weeks are over (and obviously i realise i’m going to put on weight during them), i can really get back into it all with a vengence, knowing that i have months before anyone is going to be watching me eat again, so i can really go to town with it.

So to recap, the plan is to eat as necessary tomorrow evening, then for one week try to restrict as best as possible, for 2 weeks at home eat what i am given, and then thereafter i’ll get to really do my thang.

I feel a lot more positive now i have a good plan. I’m managing to block out what’s happened today, hopefully i’ll just be able to block it out all night and not have a massive panic attack over it. I need to look to the future and what can be done instead of freaking over what has already been done.