Damp squib

What to say and what not to say? I actually had sex for the first time in a large number of months, but the circumstances are just so crappy that while the physical contact actually made me cry because i needed it so much, the overall situation was so not good, and of course has now left me even more acutely aware of just how alone I am.

It was with Paul. And he is still seeing the other girl. I am aware I had an affair. But I think the real way of looking at things is that she is the one having a long term affair, since he is really mine. It’s all gotten so messed up, mainly because I’ve gone and done the stupid thing of falling in love with him, but i think that it’s really because i can now only have him about once every 4 months. Anyway, the whole situation is now way too complicated to explain, but it has got me completely and utterly mindnumbingly depressed.

So yesterday all my good intentions fell apart and i ended up skipping the day at work and not doing anything towards my job application or revising, and actually ended up on the verge of calling the samaritans when i found myself staring at my scarf and trying to work out the logistics of how i would actually hang myself with it.

But i made it through that little crisis. I just have to make it through every day of my remaining life now.

I need a boyfriend so i can get out of this place in my head and stop needing him so much and so i actually have something in my life besides work and so i know that someone is going to touch me (again not sexually, this isnt about sex) more often than about 3 times a year.

Joining some kind of club wouldnt help. I already do extra-curricular activities, and sure when i am actually doing them it’s fine, you talk to people you dont really care about, about things you dont really care about, but as soon as it’s over and you come home and there is silence and emptiness and a whole world of nothing stretching infront of you, it makes it all the worse.

So people might say, well join more activities so you have less of the time on your own, but at the end of the day, i really do need to have the time when i’m bored enough and with nothing to do so i actually do some work. That’s the kind of situation i need before i’ll get anything do. But the way things are at the moment, the situation just gets me so depressed that work goes out of the window.

And it’s not a case of me just being stubborn and refusing to be the one to contact friends and offering to do something either. For example, I’m actually going to be doing something with friends this weekend for the first time in months and months, since one of our old group of uni friends is coming to Oxford for the day. But the one friend i actually still have here, who is also friends with this other girl, is actually only going to see her for a couple of hours in the afternoon even though we’d organised to go out this evening and all have a meal together. We only get to see this girl once every 6 months or so, and we’re all ‘best friends’. And the reason she cant make the meal is that she is having dinner with her boyfriend. Not for a special occasion or anything, just a normal dinner. And she literally spends every single night with him anyway and can see him anytime. So anyway, the point is, even if i ask her to do things, she would never ever be able to unless he is away because she refuses to spend any time away from him whatsoever. And he never goes away, so i literally dont see or here from her at all anymore.

So I guess the real answer is that i need to grow up and learn not to be so cripplingly scared of being alone. But how do you actually go about doing that?

My apologies for my poor noting lately. I’ll try harder.