And no-one ever said thank you

I have finished my run of nights. They were pretty horrific really. The first night was apparently the busiest night the hospital has had in over 6 years now, and it was manic. When the shift started, there were 10 patients already waiting to be seen. It takes around an hour to see a patient and order all the tests and start treatment and stuff. There were 3 of us working and more patients coming in all the time. It didn’t slack off at all during the night. I literally did not have the time to use the toilet during my 14 hour shift, it was that busy, let alone stop to actually eat anything or just sit and gather my thoughts. I was so tired by the end of it i could barely string a sentence together. Plus the shift is only supposed to be 11 hours, but it wasnt possible to leave on time.

The other doctors i was working with kept joking "she wont come back again tomorrow after this, it’ll have scared her off too much."

The temptation to slit my wrists to avoid having to face it again was certainly there, but i persevered.

The next night was quieter, so there was time to go to the toilet when needed, but still no time to actually have a break at all. There was also a crash call, which was absolutely terrifying, but also exhilerating. I did CPR on a real person for the first time ever. Unfortunately they died.

However, this night ended kinda badly since i overheard the pharmicists talking on the morning ward round and saying that one of the drug charts was really sloppily done and was really poor work, and it was for my patient. Basically, the patient hadn’t known their drugs, i was seeing them about 4am so i didnt want to have to call a relative at that time to ask, so i had handed over to the morning team that they should ring to find out drugs asap, but i thought that not having the information instantly that night wasnt the end of the world. Apparently one of the many pieces of paper you get handed when you go to see a patient did actually say the drugs on it though, so they were saying what poor work it was and basically what a bad doctor it must have been, so that left me feeling really low. I had to wonder why i was bothering to bust my ass running round all night when i couldnt do anything right.

I also had a patient who kept going completely unresponsive, which was REALLY scary. I didnt really know what to do. Her heart was still beating, so there was no point doing the crash call thing, so in the end, i just kept going back and watching her every time she did it to make sure she came round again eventually.

The final night was again a continual stream of work for most of the night but not as crazy as the first night. However it all went wrong towards the end of the night around 6am when the crash call went off again, so i was off doing CPR again. Another bleep came through in the middle of that crash saying there was a patient on the ward having pleuritic chest pain (think heart attack or pulmonary embolus – both will kill you), and obviously all the doctors were busy on this crashing patient, so i was sent off on my own to see the patient, who i felt was indeed having a heart attack, so that was absolutely terrifying having to try to manage that on my own. And by the time i’d got someone else to take over that one (the crashing patient died in the end since they found she was DNR, so stopped), it meant that i had to finish clerking the patient i had originally been clerking when the crash call went off while the ward round was going on, and while trying to do the ward round jobs at the same time. So that all ended a bit stressfully.

So it was really tough. It was both better and worse than i thought it would be. One thing i will say though is that i got on really well with the other 2 doctors i was working with. There was a real sense of camarderie since we were all living the same hell, so it really did feel good to have the odd laugh with them, and we all became a bit delirious when the final shift was over and we could go home. It was really nice actually, and they were so nice to me at the end giving me really good feedback and saying that i had handled the busy night really well and done way more than they would have ever expected a house officer to do. So that felt really nice to get a little positive feedback.

I have developed the most godawful cold now to fill my days off with more miserableness. I was meant to be seeing my master today but for one reason and another it hasnt happened. I’m feeling a bit lonely. I’m kindof aware that i am in a new city, not knowing anyone, alone, with just work and my room. It’s easy to be so distracted when working that you dont even notice but today it just kinda hit me, where the hell am i and what am i doing?

I think i am actually pretty low, but the fact that i dont have the option to fall apart since i just have to keep going at work is masking that. So now i have a couple of days off, i’ve noticed that all i want to do is stay in my bed. I cant even bring myself to go downstairs. I know it’s probably partly because i’m tired, but i’m not stupid and i am also aware of the other reasons i get like that.

Another thing is, for a long while now, one of the things i’ve been telling myself when i get really low is that having spent so much time and effort training to be a doctor, i should really really hang on just until i get to actually BE a doctor, just so as it has been done. That got me through some very touch and go situations. But now, i have been a doctor. It’s been done. I’ve done an on call, i’ve done nights, i’ve done a crash call. So that isn’t something to hang on for anymore. Hopefully it wont become an issue anyway, but it is something i am aware of.