Saturday

Woohoo, it’s Saturday night. And I’m doing absolutely nothing tonight. Well, I’m sitting in a recliner typing on Open Diary and waiting on a pizza to be delivered to my door. My stomach is growling hardcore right now. Gary is watching chicks fight on the Invicta PPV. He had to order it in HD so I get to see pasty women punching each other in shocking detail. It is both interesting and kind of annoying to watch. Tecia Torres nearly had a wardrobe malfunction trying to wiggle our of a knee bar. I guess that was interesting. She had a great body. I wish I was that fantastically fit.

I started a new job this past week. I’m working from home for HSN. I’m in training for the next five weeks, which seems so long. I telecommute every evening from 5-10pm and basically teleconference the whole time with 30 other people. Overall it’s been a good experience so far and it is very high energy and positive. I think it would be fun to work in the training part of the company. Maybe someday I’ll take another position and move to Florida. For now my shift will be 7pm to 1am, so if yall call HSN you might be chatting with me 🙂

On my first day off I spent my time pretty busy all morning. I did yard work, mowing both my yard and the neighbors. I like my neighbor. She’s a Thirtiesh black woman with two kids, ex-Army, and she works all the time. We do things for each other every now and then. I’ll mow her lawn, she’ll trim my hedges. We check on each other’s dogs. I think we have that understanding between us being women who take care of the house, kids, work, etc. It is nice to come home and see that someone has mowed your yard or trimmed the bushes while you were at work and running around like a mad woman. Women are so fabulous… strong, hard-working, nurturing. Im a total lesbo.

I also did laundry, cleaned both kids rooms, the bathroom, etc etc etc. Most of the house. And bathed a rat. Only one though. Toshi did really well with the bath. He didn’t try to bite or jump. He was pretty content. Surprised me. I didn’t have the balls to attempt bathing Cato… he’s mean and doesn’t like me… not in the mood for a pissed off mean rat.

I have been writing tons lately, just not in Open Diary. I don’t know what it is about this place. I still feel drawn to this place and some sort of loyalty. But it is such a bummer that it doesn’t have a good mobile app or even mobile site that actually works. I use Blogger for my weight loss diary and it is really awesome. Updating from my phone is such a breeze. I write in it all the time for weight related stuff. And I write a lot of stories like the one I posted in my last entry. I also write "Emails to God" all the time.

I’m working on Step One in S-Anon. It should be easy to finish up the step work but I keep putting it off. I have to write a very long essay on my Step One work and it is so daunting to me. I actually hate reliving the hell of my life. I have a lot of issues with things that have happened to me, things I’ve let happen. It’s not that I don’t want to face it, I just am ready to make it better. I know what has been happening… it soooooo sucks. I am ready for change. I need to seriously sit down and finish this essay.

At our last meeting, we read an interesting question out of the book. "If I knew that a Higher Power was truly in charge of my life and that everything happening now would work out for the best, how would I feel and act?" I cannot possibly tell you how much I consider that question every. single. day. for the past five days. I truly don’t live like I am trusting a higher power. I am still clawing for that tiny shred of "control" over my life. When I consider this question, I consider so many things. I wonder if someday I will have the strength and serenity to really live life. I also consider the words to the song "Whom Shall I Fear", the words are: "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies is always by my side." I try to think of these words daily too, and remind myself that I’m not alone and I don’t have to be responsible for every little thing. I still feel so frantic. Especially lately. But I’m just trying to keep myself open on working on things maritally and just praying to be a good human being.

Well I ran out of steam on this entry so I’m outta here. See ya kids.