Depressive Ramblings

If you have recently lost someone to suicide… DO NOT read this entry please.
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I’ve been drifting in and out of depression over the past few weeks. I don’t really know why. It seems like it comes and goes but the truth is it is always there, playing in the background. It’s just that I usually have things to keep me busy enough not to think about it. When I have time to just sit still, the thoughts come flooding in uninvited and unwelcome.

Growing up sucks. Life sucks. I don’t even know why I am living anymore. It just seems so stupid, a monotonous cycle of the same old stuff playing over and over again. It shouldn’t feel this way. I am working for the first time in 4 years. I absolutely adore my job, it doesn’t even really feel like work. I am in school. I graduated with my associates magna cum laude, and I’m proud of that accomplishment. I am on the verge of getting weight loss surgery which should dramatically change my life. It’s obvious that I’m busy and making progress in life. I have things to be proud of. But it’s stupid. Useless. Worthless. Unbearable.

I’ve been so sick lately. First I have strep throat and it was really terrible. I wanted to kill myself, literally. And justifiably, I think. It was so bad I can barely remember the scope of the pain. Then I got the stomach flu and I was shocked when the suicidal feelings came flooding in again, fast. The desire to end it all hit me suddenly in the middle of my shower and caught me naked and vulnerable. I had to shake my head, step out and dry off. Kill yourself because of the stomach flu? Seems ridiculous. So I wonder if the depression is lying at bay most of the time, and striking out when my "immune system" is suffering.

1. I think about my husband cheating all the time. When I least expect it, I am hit with memories or feelings long ago buried. I will be doing homework and suddenly think of a girl he cheated on me with four years ago. I watch TV and hear them talk about things hidden in a "false drawer" and I think about the things he has hidden in false drawers. The fact that I found a female from his past on one of his social networking sites followed by him not attending any SA meetings, not talking about SA, etc… it is a tough subject to come to terms with for me.

2. I don’t really know him. I’ve never been invited into his life, not really. He has family members on his facebook that I’ve never even heard of until they comment on some status of his and I ask him who that is.

3. We can never have a real conversation. I always feel like things go wrong. I hate being treated like I’m an idiot, or being told I’m wrong all the time. Lately, I have literally no one to bounce my thoughts and ideas off of. I feel like I’ve just crawled into a shell over time. Before, I would try to initiate conversations and debates but after so many times of them going horribly wrong, I have slowed down a lot and only broach conversation out of desperation for human contact. The desperation followed by the unhappy outcome of any conversation (usually a fight) leaves me feeling horrible inside. I find myself often dissociating, which is something I thought I left behind years ago. It’s not nearly as bad as when I was dealing with abuse full-scale but I notice it. I will be talking to him and he will say things that hurt or make aggressive gestures or start interrogating me and I can feel this strange feeling in my eyes like they are wide as saucers and I’m staring at him but my vision is flickering back and forth like a bad connection on a TV. It’s a relief that during those times I can feel myself sucked out of the situation and standing miles away, but I really worry how this is affecting my mental health. On one hand I know and understand that it’s a normal evolution in abuse, but it sounds crazy.

4. Today I was laying in bed looking at a picture of us from our wedding week. I used to get butterflies when I looked at pictures of us, or just pictures of him. When did that stop? No one can excite me anymore. Where did that go?

Suicidal thoughts coming now. I get images like a movie playing out in my mind. Me walking outside in the cold barefoot. Petting the dog as I walk through the grass. Looping a rope up and hanging myself. Counting in my head as my body jerks and my chest burns. With the dissociation, it would be so easy. Impossibly easy. I wouldn’t even be there for most of it. I probably wouldn’t even feel the will to live, not really. The "other" me would feel it, but I’d be sitting up in the tree watching it happen and waiting, probably laughing or something. I wonder what would happen to the "tree me" when it was done?

Shit, what happened to this entry? Okay guys, I promise I am calling my psych on Monday. PROMISE. Scouts honor. I promise on a stack of Thin Mints.

I don’t want to die, I swear. And I’m sane for the entire day. I just have a LOT going on in my mind behind closed doors. It’s distracting and terrible. So yes, I need to see a psych quickly and start sorting some of this stuff out.

I need to figure out what’s going on in my marriage. I think that this has been taking a considerable toll on me and my health for a long time now and I just have not been able to confront the facts of the situation. It can be clear as day for me and I still will just get hurt over it and ignore everything. Right now I am sitting here dying for someone to talk to, and I am alone. He got up and went to bed, leaving me with the dogs to take care of… after I have cooked, cleaned, and cared for the kids all day. I feel that he doesn’t love me and worse, there’s no real compassion there. I feel for him a lot like a family member. Stronger than a brother. But similar. It’s family. It’s like… blood. But obviously he is not blood to me. It feels like it though, and I would care for him in a similar fashion for the rest of my life. But I need something. I need compassion too. I need someone who is going to care for me, cook for me, ask what I’m thinking, etc… in a caring way. A loving way. Every once in a while.

I used to have these makeshift friends that I’d line up and pretend were real friends or lovers. Especially one. I was convinced in many ways that I was falling desperately in love with him, would do anything for him. Had lots of nice fuzzy warm feelings. After stepping away from the situation for weeks, I find that my feelings are barely lukewarm. Not even. There was no more companionship and caring, no more sharing stories. Started to feel like I was always doting in an emotional way whereas he was pushing things to the "This is just sex" category. It’s not interesting for me anymore, and that loss is part of the problem. Now I have to be realistic about life. Mr Fantasy Land in New York is not what I wanted him to be. He isn’t picking up my husbands slack anymore and distracting me from the state of my relationship. He isn’t even listening to my thoughts anymore.

And that’s the thing. The people I turned to for support, and who listened to my thoughts… it seems like they don’t want to hear me anymore.

I need one person to talk to. I’d be ok if I had someone who cared, even just enough to discuss my upcoming surgery or a book I read or my homework or work.

I guess that will be my therapist soon.

And yes it is DISGUSTING that I have pointed the finger and attacked other people in this entry. Not something I’m proud of or would even say out loud in real life.