A real Update

 
It’s been a long time since a wrote a real, candid, pinkcessy entry. I feel almost like I’ve been living in the shadows. Trying to find my voice, my place. Watching my world tumble over and over again before it rights itself again and I move cautiously, wondering if it’s real… am I really on level ground again? It’s been so long since I’ve felt it that I can’t believe it could really be real.

Let me explain. I feel the need to get some things off my chest.

Five and a half years ago I was a happy, wild, outspoken, bold, life-loving girl. Then my life changed forever. In absolute truth, I will never be the same girl. I’ve come to terms with this loss of myself. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a heartbroken little girl living in my first apartment with my brand new husband, sitting at the kitchen table and watching tears spill all over my notebook as I wrote my deepest thoughts in a torrent of emotional fervor.  I cannot tell you the pain I put myself through over the years. It is difficult to sit here today and confront the fact that I could have just walked away. Just stood up and walked away, right out the door, from what would be the next three years; the epic massacre of my self-esteem, my belief in love, and my belief in the inherent good of other people. Everyone failed me. And I failed myself.

The truth is, it changed me. I don’t believe people are "good." I don’t believe people care about me. I don’t believe that I will have anyone at all that loves me after my parents are gone. I don’t believe in this bullshit about creating another "family" that will EVER adequately replace the family I grew up with. I know, I know. I have my kids. And that is true. But it’s not the same kind of love. For my kids, I hope I am what my parents are for me. A force of undying love that is ever present. A rock. A friend. A confidant. Someone they trust to be there and to care when they need someone to care.

But you know… here I am. And I’m okay. I made it out of that fucking BULLSHIT alive. A somewhat jaded and unhappy person. But alive. And still wanting to make life better for me and everyone I love. I never turned to drugs or alcohol. I never turned to eating disorders or self-mutilation. I never lost myself beyond all hope, I guess. I’m still here. And life has stopped tumbling for the time being. Do I trust it? No. But I’ve sighed in relief and felt parts of my body sag down in my seat as the tension melted away. I’ve let my guard down. Just a little. Oh trust me… just a little.

Several months ago, the volatile relationship between my husband cumulated into very real physical violence. We entered marital counseling. He entered sexual addiction counseling. I tried to deal with my codependency issues but soon felt as if my needs were pushed to the wayside as he flourished in SA. He’s been going for over half a year and working the 12 steps, so he tells me. It really transformed our life. He’s more of a part of the family now and me and the kids have really benefited. I am no longer obsessing over who he is cheating with and what he’s doing. I’ve given it all over to God and I have faith that if I’m ever put in the position I was in a year ago, I will be strong enough with God to do what is right for me. I can’t carry all this on my shoulders again. Ever. Ever again.

Despite the fact that I have so many lingering issues because of my codependency in addiction, I feel that my life is good. Even my marriage is good.

I had a long term thing with a married lover. It started as a strange Dominant/ Submissive type thing. He was a playmate and I had fun with him every once in a while. It was almost always in a D/s manner, even if just slight. On one hand I was enjoying the relationship and opening up to him in so many ways that really pushed the envelope for me. I’m not a trusting person. Yet I put all kinds of trust into Him. It seemed like such an offhanded type of thing. We’d talk back and forth once or twice a week while he was at work. I still remember the day I realized he was talking to me all day at work, then most of the night when he was home. I guess that’s kind of the moment you realize the relationship is changing. We met once. It was a fucking disaster. I was pregnant with my daughter and my husband was there. Him and my husband are like polar opposites. It was awkward. I ended up cutting the whole thing short and sending him home after a horribly awkward peck on the lips. A few months later, I’m just HELL BENT on redoing that meeting. I want to throw him down on the bed and fuck his brains out. I was falling for him -big time- but being cautious. Keeping my cards close. At some point along the way (yes I know exactly when this moment was, and no it wasn’t my drunken confessions of love at 3am, but a completely sobering moment months later) I decided to hell with it and just opened the gates on my heart, mind, and soul. I laid it all out. Fuck it. Ya know? You only live once. I was tired of this stuff he said about "If life was different, if I would have met you sooner, etc" and me earnestly agreeing, yes if we had met sooner. Funny, I haven’t heard him say that once since I laid it all bare.

I remember once my husband had described "50 Shades of Grey" as "Well he wants her to do this Dom Sub stuff, and shes not really into it, but she tries, and then they just forget it all and start a boring relationship." Yeah. Hello, 50 Shades of Boring. Anyway, as things have evolved with my husband, it became clear that having outside "friends" and lovers was not going to work for me.

I still kind of want the red room of pain. But I’ll live.

So. I have this weird trust issue about my husband’s military career. Let’s just say that it’s very difficult for me to feel secure, and I have my good reasons. It’s history and I don’t ever really dig it up. I just recognize that like so many other quirks and aspects of my codependent issues, this is one issue I will probably struggle with for a long time. So instead of letting insecurity eat me alive day and night, I decided to do three things that would make me feel better.

1. Increase my ability to get a job.
2. Get an IUD to prevent un-needed pregnancy
3. Get weight loss surgery

Oh yeah. I’m working all those goals. I am now a junior at Indiana State majoring in Business Admin and minoring in Accounting. And I might have a part time job opportunity coming up. I accomplished number two. Not sure I would recommend that one to my friends at home. I was running to the bathroom for 2 days and felt like I had sharp instruments poking thru my rectum. Not fun. I was about to have that fucker ripped out as fast as it went in.I still occassionally feel that sharp things are poking my innards.I have a check up in December so hopefully it’s still in the right place and doing okay. And number 3… so many hoops to jump through but I’m getting there. Literally all next week is devoted to doing stuff related to getting insurance approval. I had to attend a seminar, have a sleep study, go to a support group, of course a consultation. Next week I am being put under anesthesia for an EGD, have my first visit with my PCM who is doing a dr supervised diet for my insurance company, a psych eval, and a follow up sleep study.

It’s exciting and I’m hoping everything starts coming together soon. It was hard to make all of these decisions for my life, but I’m proud of myself for doing it. Now I gotta own it.

My Day Zero List