Back after almost 20 years.

Howdy, I used to use this site a lot back in the day, mainly when i was a teen. I don’t know why I’ve come back, perhaps its because i have lost the motivation to go on and wanted to write it down somewhere.

I’m 31 years old, going through a divorce living with my ex wife still and her new boyfriend. I have no family or even friends and barely a dime to my name. I wasted my teens and twenties coasting by not developing any skills or anything.  I’m struggling to even see a reason to continue going, the things that used to bring me joy don’t.  The only person I have in my life is the person who hurt me, the person whose kindness hurts me.  I’m in a hole that i dug myself and will take years to claw out of, but by then ill be nearing my forties, feels kind of late to start the next chapter of my life.  I’m kept up late at night with these dark thoughts, you can guess of what.  The only thing holding me back is my own cowardice, fear of pain, fear of the finality of it.

I have noticed myself getting more moody lately as well, lashing out, or just not able to enjoy anything.  I avoid people where i work, yet take on more hours as at least when I’m working I don’t feel like I’m wasting time.  I was at a comedy club tonight, went with  my ex and her family as they invited me, I just found myself zoning out, feeling out of place. This is where her new boyfriend should be not just some guy who she used to be married too. I felt as if I was being rude because I was just existing with them and not engaging.  When the comedians came on I was straight faced whole time, i got maybe a mild smile out from the three of them.  My ex got on me saying i looked miserable, maybe because I felt that way.  I just want too hide in my room when I’m not working or being productive.