Where does this leave me?

Today was the day of “2001: A Cup Odyssey.”

Thanks, Val. 🙂

More random babbling. Everything from Guernica to “How is ch a letter?” to Turner Syndrome. I learned a lot today. Not just school things. I learned that my bitchiness affects people. And that I can’t continue to act that way. I’m being selfish by not asking for help, by not going on medication, by not going back to the psychologist.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned (yes, I know I’m not “supposed” to say that, but I find it oddly fitting).

Can you forgive me? Please? For the bitchiness, the ignorance, the inadequacy, the “rewind moments?”

I have so many of them…how can I possibley act so stupid?! How?! I hate that I cannot control myself. Every day, it’s ,”Okay, this day will be better. There won’t be any stupid moments, nothing I say will be spur of the moment, I’ll THINK first.” But, of course, I can’t do that. Will medicine help? I’m assuming so…but I’m very scared to take something that will change who I am. My idiocy and my selfishness are unpleasant, albeit essential parts of me. Who will I be when I am calm and placid?

I’m not finding much of a reason to live these days. Nothing REAL, that is. My friends, yes, of course. I live for them, completely. They MAKE my world, they are indescribably large parts of me, they ARE me. And Mitch. And a few other people.

Wait. Look at that. I guess I do have a reason to live. ReasonS. More than one.

But all I can see during my bouts of darkness are the reasons NOT to live. I see my failure to see things through, my inability to live up to my expectations, all the things I’ve quit or let myself be lazy about. All this SHIT. My jealousy, my anger, my annoyance, my stupidity. I was sitting in 6th hour on Wednesday contemplating different ways to kill myself. Not in such a concrete manner, but much more abstractly. When I fell apart in my clarinet lesson, I received a giant mental smack to my psyche. I’m busy, busy, busy. And I’m having trouble finding a second when this will let up. EVER. I’m talking ten years from now. When does this all end?

I see suicide as the only REAL answer. *NOTE: I’m not going to do it, guys. Don’t worry. It’s just that logically, it “makes sense.” I know it’s not the way to solve my problems. These are just my basic gut feelings, my instincts. Luckily, my brain can overpower those feelings. So don’t worry.*

But that’s also the dumbest answer. Because then I can’t be happy anymore. I can’t be excited, suprised, overwhelmed with awe or pride. And I don’t think I’d give up those things. Ever. But I’m still left with immense emotional baggage. And I do not know how to rid myself of it. I really don’t.

I’ll have to give this one a lot more thought. However, I really doubt I’ll ever come up with an answer. I doubt that I will ever really know why I’m crying, why I want to just be alone (yet I crave people), or why I hurt myself with contradictions, hypocrisy, and the inability to let go of the past. And I hurt all of you with those things.

I’m so sorry. To everyone. To everyone I know that has to put up with me. And my thanks also to everyone that does. Where would I be without you? WHO would I be without you?

Nowhere and nothing.

Forever and always…