Where did it go?

And sometimes I wonder where my insight went – I simply cannot seem to conjure the words and ideas, phrases and ponderings that seemed to spill forth like water in months not so long ago. I long to be deep and thoughtful again, to be able to mold my words into the beauty that I could once present not only to the world but to myself. I desperately wish to be able to express my inner emotions and burdens as an intelligent person, not merely as a “teenager.” I feel as though I am moving backwards, as though I had more talent when I was 17! Perhaps it is merely the academic lull in my life that has put up this temporary roadblock for me – come January, the dam may burst and I may once again be flooded with inspiration.

I truly enjoy looking back on what I have written, smiling at the irony of some things and the bittersweetness of others. I notice my patterns of writing and the similarities that flow from entry to entry. I see my mistakes and my hypocrisy, my crowning achievements and my shining stories.

I have so much to tell and I wish I had not lost the ability to tell it to the world – it is saddening for me because this is how I truly breath – not through art or dance or music, but through my words. My words are my hate, my love, my anger, my joy, my entertainment, my downfall. They are everything and more and I am slowly losing my ironclad grasp on them.

It hurts.