Transferring from the Post-It

Okay, so Max is making breakfast (pancakes!), and I’ve got a few minutes to try to get the muddle in my head out onto the screen.

We spent Friday night at Shannon and Robert’s – KT, Lorenzo, Jayna, Jeff, Michelle, Pat, and Tony were there, too.  It was Cousins’ Night (Robert, KT, Jayna, Pat, Tony, and Max are the cousins – the rest of us are the spouses/fiances/significant others), which is something I feel really lucky / special to be included in.  Because I didn’t have to be – I’m not really family, so…

But it was a really fun time – we drank a lot of beer, tried a new kind of vodka (huckleberry, yum!), grilled out, ate KT’s fabulous brownies and cake, and talked and talked.  It’s something that I never really had up until a few months ago.  Family is so important to me (and I’m super thankful that my parents and brother live so close), but there is so much I’m missing out on.  There are…20 people in Colorado (well, actually only 17, Shawn and Eileen have to be silly and live on the East Coast!) that I dearly love, but never see.  I have a huge family, but I "grew up" in a tiny one.  I don’t mean to undermine the times spent with the people in WIsconsin, but…I don’t know.  I’ve always felt like the black sheep of this part of the family, because I have such a totally different mindset and attitude towards life.  I’m much more like my dad, and, therefore, much more like his side of the family, the Colorado side.  I remember, as a young teen, how devestated I was when I was the only cousin not in Ri’s wedding…sure, there’s a big age gap between us, but her cousin Casey was in it, and she’s only two years older than I am.

Yes, I’m aware that this is petty.  I’m not going to apologize for my feelings and thoughts as a child, though, because there’s no need to. 

But as the baby of the family (there’s an 18 year age difference between my oldest cousin and me), I always felt incredibly left out.  The Colorado Moods were always having adventures and traveling and were super close.  I was jealous…of my own family!  How horrible is that?!  Hard for me to admit, but so true.  I wanted nothing more than to be a part of all of that, but I wasn’t "allowed."  I heard about it, thought about, wished for it, but it was access to a private club that was never granted to me.

And now I’m 21 and I haven’t seen any of them (save Uncle Dale, when he came to stay with us last summer when he had a high school reunion in Rockford) since 2001.  I’ve "given up" on them, essentially.  I’ve never met Trenton, Luc, Summer, or Aiden, and I honestly don’t know when I will.  Lindsay is already 11, the oldest of that clan of cousins (my second cousins), and the last time I saw her, she was just out of kindergarten.

But fate and fortune do not work in my favor in this situation.  And there is not anything I can do to change it…

And now I’m just learning to be comfortable with this new group of people (mostly the Larsons, I haven’t met many McGraths yet).  It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Why?

Because this family IS the Colorado Moods.  This family is everything I wanted growing up in terms of cousins and closeness and togetherness.  And so the jealousy rises again.  Horrible, yes, but I can at least understand where it comes from, which doesn’t always happen with my emotions.

It makes me want, more than anything, to be a part of this family, to feel included and accepted and…I just want too much.  Too much that I will never get.  Because it’s silly to wish for things like this – they are ridiculous pipedreams.

Something inside aches a little.

It hurts.