To you

I worry about us. Not very often, just once in a while.

Like tonight. I knew you were tired and that it had been a long week for you. You knew it had been a hard week for me as well. But I set myself up for a long night with you, and my idea of what would happen didn’t. Simply because you were too tired. Why did it take me until five minutes after I got home to recognize that basic, blatant fact? Why was that so hard for me to do?

But maybe it’s okay because of the fact that I DID realize my mistake. Maybe it’s okay because those kinds of “mistakes” don’t seem to be happening very often anymore. And maybe it’s okay because I ASKED FOR HELP. So you can stop being “sick of it.” Not sick of me, but sick of it. And so I can get better, so I won’t have to worry about us anymore (or maybe just less often than I do now).

So much change…neither of us can even begin to predict what this next year will bring. I won’t limit myself to only the good possibilities, because that would be narrow-minded and idealistic. I know and understand all the forks in the road and I have no idea which one we will take. But I simply won’t allow myself to wallow in the bad possibilities. What purpose does that serve? I’m trying to take it one day at a time. However, sometimes when I don’t SEE you in that day, it’s a bit difficult.

I knew this wouldn’t be easy. Growing up isn’t easy, and adding a serious, long-term relationship into the mix doesn’t make it an easier. It makes it better, scarier, more fun, different, but by no means easier.

She said, “You have to know yourself first before you can know yourself with another person.” That line scared me on Thursday night, it scared me to death. But after four hours of thinking about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that I DO know myself. Not every single aspect (but who does?), but enough to know how to depend on myself, how to please myself, how to LOVE myself. I don’t always love myself, I don’t always rely on myself, and I don’t always please myself, but I CAN. So much of the time, I can. So knowing myself with you is not the problem, it’s not even A problem. That really scared me last night…thinking that, just maybe, WE were the problem. But to think that just isn’t logical. To look at the past year and two months and every aspect of it, it just isn’t possible.

And you have no idea how happy that makes me.

I love you very much. It’s been difficult lately, but the way I feel about you hasn’t changed. And you’ve said the same to me. It’s just been a little harder, that’s all. And I will solve this problem, and you’ll get more sleep (hopefully!) and life will continue on.

I do not live FOR you, I live WITH you. I am not in love with the IDEA of you, I am in love with YOU. I am a separate person, but at the same time, part of a pair. You have taught me so much, but not everything. I teach myself some things, and others have taught me, too. And that is why I am beginning to worry a little less. Because this is the real thing and I am still learning how to “do it,” as I know you are, too. As long as we stay friends in this relationship, I know we will be just fine.

I was reading a magazine article about a couple who loved each other very much, but had gone through some rough times. And when the man was asked how he dealt with it all, he said, “No matter what, I just stayed in the relationship.” That line hit me quite hard. He is saying that, no matter what, you just have to hang in there.

Would you care to hang in there with me? Maybe hold my hand and just hang in there?