Thoughts of the day (the 10th)

This house is becoming too small. I can’t even go to bed when I want to because people are in my room, using my things.

But that is the end of my complaining, because it only takes me a minute to recognize the fact that I am incredibly lucky to HAVE this house, this room. So I remind myself of that and calm down.

I left my mother a note that she will read in the morning. It says – “Please make an appointment so I can get Paxil. And please make an appointment with a psychiatrist.” I really can’t take this anymore. But I’m scared to go on medication. What if it changes who I am? I suppose I have better chances of being happy and more optimistic, so I’m trying not to be afraid.

I understand, too, that this is not my “cure-all.” It’s up to me, as well, to work through this. That’s what the psychiatrist is for. I was a bit nervous for a while that I was making Mitch a problem…that I was depending on him to be happy, to be content, to be a whole person. But after spending the afternoon with myself (that sounds so funny!), I’ve found that simply isn’t true. I’m obviously not looking to get rid of him or anything (of course not!), but when I AM on my own, I can be okay. The depression and aniexty don’t really make it that easy, but as soon as I can get those things solved, I think it will all be okay.

I have also concluded that a small part of this is just good ol’ fashioned SUMMER BOREDOM. Less than seven weeks…and you can bet your butt that I’m counting!