mental vomit

drowning in a sea of questions and unanswered ponderings and things that i did not think i would have to fathom at the tender age of nineteen. totally lost and standing at this hideous spot where there is nothing alive and breathing and feeling and loving and all i have is the darkness. and the demons are screaming horrible threats and disgusting obscenities and spitting in my face. but it is perfectly gray and blank and there is nothing but the blandness and the perfunctory actions and the routine and the tedium. and no one sees anything because it is not black – no one can see the dirty spots and the sharp edges because it all blends into the background. it simply looks like the ordinary boredom of a nearly twentysomething girl who is taking a break from her studies and passes her time mostly with television. it does not show the choices she must make and the stifling and overwhelming silence that locks her jaw and renders her unable to ask for help or answers or understanding. and so it will always be

“better in the morning.”