Internal fighting

I’m on more medication (surprise, surprise) and I have an appointment with my psychologist on Monday (in case anyone wondered, I saw my psychiatrist today, a different doctor).  I was also put in touch with a woman at Mercy who runs the intentsive therapy day program.  I will wait until my session on Monday to decide if this is the right thing for me – it would mean missing a lot of work and that would just be additional stress for me.

Mark and I are in an undefined state right now – I do not have enough mental energy to take care of myself/get better and be in a serious relationship.  It wouldn’t be fair to him and it wouldn’t be fair to myself.  I have to work through this before I can move on – baby steps, baby steps.  So, we’re best friends (with benefits, at times) and probably won’t be seeing other people, at least not unless it’s very, very casual, as that would just be too confusing.  In all honesty, my problems with him aren’t really with HIM, just with the state I’m in right now.  But I’ll use this time to expand my base of people a bit more, both girls and guys, which is something I know I need to do to get better.  I have been holing myself away too much, not getting out and enjoying the world and doing what I want (yeah, I know I’m depressed, that kind of comes with the territory).  But even on my good days, I’m still staying locked up and hermit-like and this is very, very bad. 

I have a hunch that things will get a bit worse before they get better – I hate when cliches are true.  But maybe I’ll come out of all of this with my head on a bit straighter.

Say goodbye now, I may not be the same person after this war…