Growing Pains

I feel like some sort of freak show attraction on 6B. I heard him whisper, “Is that her?” I felt cheap and fake.

If it was as easy to wipe away the past as it is to wipe away my tears…

Every morning, when I wake up, I feel as though I’m emerging from a bad dream. And then reality points the sawed-off shotgun at my forehead and screams, “Wake up! Get your fucking head out of the clouds and GET OVER IT!”

I am so frustrated with myself (an all too common line I use these days) and so frustrated with emotions. I love them but I hate them. Mine fluctuate without any warning, without any purpose. Their only purpose, I suppose, is to create this conundrum for my brain to solve. Why can’t I do that? I KNOW what I need to do, I KNOW how to do so many things, but I’m simply too pathetic to be strong enough.

The rapid onset of the tears, the “pouty” moods, the funks. Why the FUCK am I like that? I am capable of being a kind, caring, intelligent, witty person. I KNOW THIS! Why do I allow myself to stoop down to that level?

WHY CAN’T I JUST BE HAPPY?

I am an independent adult, but in so many ways I am a helpless child. But I will receive no offer of a hand this time. I must overcome my own helplessness.

How? With these stupid pills that are supposed to “fix” me. Or are supposed to help in fixing me. I am supposed to do it on my own, with the pills to guide me.

Denial is so powerful. It is so powerful and such a rush…until reality sets in. I set up these facades for myself and then break them down.

The sun has set. And I must wait for the dawn. That is all I can do…