free association

my first taste of love so bittersweet and so lasting like the stain of a ripe berry left after you just cannot resist biting into it and tasting the sweetness and the life and the energy but it leaves its mark on your face and your hands and you are left to scrub away the red juice

drowning slowly in a sea of infinite depths and wondering where to go from here because there is no light and there is no bottom and there is no tiny pill in my hand to make it all go away not that i want to leave this world but why can i not have that security of the ability to make my own choice

why am i left feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled when i am alone and when i am anywhere else but with you and why can i not be with you whenever i want because it is not as though i do not know how to be happy without you it is just that i know that i am always infinitely happier when i can hold you and feel your presence and sense your love in a way that words cannot express in a way that only physical presence can express

trying to resist the urge to turn off the lights and the alarm clock and the computer and the phone and retreat into the secure sanctuary of the darkness because nothing ever gets solved when you hide from it but as i stand here facing these demons i do not how that will solve it either because all i want is to lay perfectly still and have it all pass until it turns into a time when more often than not i am content with the little things in life the things that i have forgotten how to love and appreciate

just a jumble of words that i am desperately trying to make sense of and it is not working and i am tangled and tied in knots and happier than i have ever been in my life and missing people more than i have ever missed people in my life and so confused that i do not know what i will do in the morning

it is so…real