December 9, 2003

Finding bruises

It is a horrible feeling to be at the beginning of what is supposed to be my sexual peak and feel so horribly unattractive and unfeminine (despite what my boyfriend tells me). To have a formal coming up and be so anxious about how I will look compared to the other girls that will be there…to be worried about the dress, the shoes, the hair, the jewelry, so much in fact that up until the point where I am dancing in that darkened room, where the lack of light will compliment me, there will be little chance for me to relax. To hate getting showered and dressed in the morning because I see so little change between the “unfinished” and “finished” version. To hate shopping because the prices are so extreme (and I am so poor right now) and nothing seems to fit…at least not how I want it to.

Is there something else missing in my life that prevents from feeling good about my physical self? Or am I cursed to always feel this way? I do not want to begin my twenties with this mindset. What do I need? Diet? Exercise? Yoga? Something else that I have not yet begun to imagine?

A boyfriend can only tell you so many times that he thinks you are pretty before the disheartening words he hears in return stop him from saying so.

Plateau. Where do I go?

I think that being satisfied with your body is much more mental than actually physical. I know that I was upset with the way I look for some time, and sometimes I still am. but even if I was a size 5, I would still look in the mirror and find something wrong with myself. Its hard, but I think the secret is just accepting your body the way it is.

actually, i think women’s sexual prime starts in the thirties. guys, on the other hand, start as soon as puberty’s over. this is just what i hear. i love you! you are great and sexy! the end. love, corey =)

Verity and Vice.

December 10, 2003

I think you need to just ask yourself where this perpetual insecurity comes from. it can’t really be coming from you worrying about what members of the opposite sex think…because you have a boyfriend who finds you attractive and I think you know that he’s not lying to you when he says that over and over again. but you’re never going to be able to get any kind of satisfaction from that

“reassurance” because it doesn’t stem from that. I think, rather, that you have some other problems that are just manifesting themselves in something more easily visible to you…something physical and perhaps easier to handle (whether it means you healthily work towards an achievable goal or blow it out of proportion to an unattainable one)…your weight. my guess is lots of people do this.

if maybe you could just focus on something else… although I’m not really sure how or what. minds just seem to get obsessed with certain ideas. but I just want you to know that nothing as trivial as your weight is going to fix any of your problems. it’s all in perspective…you can’t spend your life saying “if only ___ then I would feel better about life.” you know that’s not true of ANYthing.

I say…just keep up some kind of normal routine diet and exercize like it seems like you have been doing, and try to just get pleasure out of the act of the exercizing or eating healthy foods. it will make you feel better because you are enjoying them for what they are rather than what other “good” affects they might bring on. doing that with all things I think can lead to a happier life.

but, yeah. that’s just what I think. do I sound like a psychologist yet?? lol Love always, ~Lindsay

You’re so like me it’s frightening. Maybe that’s why Micki suggested we stay in touch. She knew us both so well. Xx

food master

December 11, 2003

Sounds to me like you have some very good friends with solid advice and insight. If it helps, I spent several years worrying about my looks, weight, etc. Even now I watch things and vanity tends to follow – but years have taught me that no matter what the outside looks like- the inner beauty always shines through and is much more attractive. Learn to love & trust yourself FIRST – be a star!

GenuineOphelia

This is an interesting entry about self-esteem in general, not just physical self-esteem. All I can say is that it totally is mental and that you are your own worst self-critic. Also realize that body image is such a small part in others’ opinions of you and should be of what your opinions of yourself are. I remember reading this article in Seventeen a while ago titled “You Don’t Have to be a

Size Six to Happy.” The only thing I remember from that article was that I *was* a size six, and I *wasn’t* happy with my body… I think I’m mostly over my physical self-esteem issues now, and here’s my personal theory on it that’s worked for me (although I understand everyone’s different, fo sheez!): 1) Diets are crap. Even if they do make you lose weight, they make you mentally feel worse

about yourself because you are depriving your body of what it’s telling you it wants. 2) The motto of the Eating Disorder Association or whatever it’s called is “Eat when you’re really hungry. Stop when you’re full. Listen to your body.” I completely agree with this statement… do what makes you feel good, exercise, eating, and don’t use either or anything else as a temporary fix, like

emotional eating or overexercising after having a big meal. 3) This is probably the most specialized of these points, but at least for me, I feel like you need to use your body in order to appreciate it, and hence exercise is happy good fun! I also exercise to ward off anxiety, but part of that anxiety is connected with negative self-esteem. However, I find it to be quite effective for me at lea

st, so I recommend it. Woo… I wrote a lot 😉 Good quote: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” <–good for all self-esteem issues… but feel good about yourself, Jenni, because you are a great, beautiful person!

and everything Lindsay said is awesome too 😉

And I saw the pictures, and you were beautiful. And you are, so don’t worry about it. There’s no true beauty like the confidence of a woman like you.