Driving

I’m trying to think back to this morning…it’s a little hard. I don’t know why. It was only 14 hours ago.

My days are so long. Sometimes, they seem so pointless. I know where I want to be and most of the time, it isn’t in Spanish V with Chris and Laura. I want to just be with the girls, or Mitch or Andrew or Ben or Chris or Matt.

Whatever. I’m an officer for SHS. Just a title. Doesn’t mean all that much. I had my x-rays taken, and I definitely have to have my wisdom teeth out. Mmm, that’ll be fun. I’m just a teensy bit nervous because I’ve never had surgery of any kind. I know it’s just local anesthesia, but I’ve read Coma a few too many times. 🙂

During gym, Erin and I talked about who we thought would make good parents. I hope I’ll be a good mom someday…

Mmm, the rest of the day…I don’t know. Motions. Not that I was unhappy or upset…Psych was fun, as usual, and making fun of those faith healers is always cool. Practice rather flew by. I actually spent all of it on stage. Eric said, “Don’t take it seriously, you know I’m just teasing,” but I’m still uncomfortable when he acts like that. Girls, you know what I mean. Obviously, we’re “married,” but he’s acting the part a little…too realistically. Not that I’m uncomfortable with acting out something like that, but he’s touching me or whatever at times when it’s in between “takes” (when Bernie’s re-doing blocking or someone missed a cue). And that part I’m not comfortable with. Another “whatever.” It’s just something I’ll have to deal with.

Mike came. *winks at someone* Woo-hoo! 🙂

Clarinet, homework, then I went out driving. I heard a sweet rendition of “Hands” (Jewel) that was a montage of audio clips from yesterday and today (maybe?). And another one of “God Bless America.” Plus, Faith Hill’s version of “The Star Spangled Banner” ended the Top 8 at 8, which rocked my world. Gorgeous.

When I came home, I finished my Madison application. Sunday is going to be SO busy for me…I have to apply to Minnesota, CU, NYU, USC, and Lawrence. How fun. *laughs* No.

But around 9, I wanted out. I didn’t know if Mitch was doing homework and playing bass or whatever (I never know if it’s my place to call…he always does and…I don’t know. That’s just the “pattern” and for some reason, if the pattern’s broken, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should do…well, whatever. Oy.), so I talked to Andrew, and he took me out driving. Just an hour. A good chunk of it was spent listening to “Bubba’s Gold” (don’t ask!) and “Alien Ant Farm.” Just a little talking. He tries to answer the question I’ve asked him…um, twice, I think? But I don’t think he can. Maybe because the way I phrase it is always a little nutty. But mostly because it HAS no answer. I’m just looking for something comforting…but there isn’t anything comforting. I’d like to go back to summer because I want those endless hours of talking, sitting, sleeping, laughing, watching movies with them. I like learning…but when I don’t have time to just BE, I get stressed. Even writing in this isn’t helping all that much. I don’t know.

It’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m not. It’s just that one thing isn’t going the way I want it to…and it can’t really work out. Not enough time and too much to do. And yeah, that makes me a little sad.

Time to go to bed and start it all over again. Knowing it’ll be exactly the same. So will Friday. Saturday will be a little better. Sunday might be okay (despite the WORK). But Thursday. God. Thursday’s going to suck…