A hand to hold

I am continuously awed at how life turns out…how it creeps up on you when you are not looking and taps you on the shoulder, saying, “Welcome home.”

I am in love and falling more so each day. With the bittersweet goodbyes and the wonderful greetings. The marathon phone calls and weekend trips.

I cannot imagine what life would be like without Mark – and why would I want to imagine something like that?

There is still the daily confusion of school and my weight and money and a general purpose – but I know that when I need support, advice, or just an escape, he is there, undeniably there. Always there – it is such a beautiful thing.

I do not feel 19. I feel anything BUT a college sophomore. At times, I simply want to fast forward to about 24 and be married and done with college and looking towards having children. I would love to have children right now. I do not feel any compelling urge to finish school – although, as you all know, I have decided to keep trying at it, but at a less expensive/less crowded campus.

It is somewhat odd to admit, even to myself, that I have no major urges to finish school. I was an honor student in high school and I had certain ideals of what college and the rest of my life would be like. But then I came here and discovered how truly lost I was and I understood that you have to break out of your stereotype. You cannot do what people expect you to do and you cannot be what they expect you to be. You will only be miserable that way.

It is difficult to step outside of yourself and look at what you have become and hold it up to the snapshot of yourself from high school and your childhood. It is difficult to be supportive of yourself when you are venturing into unknown territories that hold scary possibilities.

::takes a deep breath::

I have a hand to hold and a sunset to head for. So, if you do not mind, I have to leave now. With many tears and some fear, but absolutely no trepadation.

I am safe – I infinitely trust him and, because of this, I have learned to trust myself.

Goodbye.