7/10/02

I’m listening to Christian Rock right now. How ironic.

I have no idea what I will “become” in life. I only know what I am at this moment.

I am 18 years, 1 month, 15 days and 18 hours of feminity. A soft core of melting love and shifting sand protected by a thin veneer of lost friendships, broken promises, and a slightly cracked heart. My pain makes me who I am, just as my pleasure does.

I am jealous, irrational, assuming, overly emotional and a hopeless worrier.

But I am loving, sensitive, dedicated and intelligent.

I want to be logical and scientific and “smart,” but I am not sure if that is really possible for me.

I want to write forever and make something beautiful come out of this slightly cracked mind. I want you to be proud of me.

I am dirty and pure, naive and all too knowledgable.

I fear that my bad qualities overshadow my good ones.

I want to be a better person, which will hopefully help make me a better friend, a better daughter/sister/niece/cousin, and a better girlfriend.

I know how to depend on myself, but I still need YOU. I know how to love myself, but I still want you to love me. I can’t imagine that is asking too much.

I am hopelessly afraid of airplanes and death (not my own, but that of others). I am not sure how much more progress I will be able to make with these two fears.

I am inspired by summer days, winter nights, rain showers, flowers, love, the ocean, and people.

I hate that I am made to feel bad about WHO I AM. I have yet to find something so terrible with wanting acceptance, with wanting to put important pieces of my life in the hands of those I trust, and with wanting to dream (I know my limitations on this one, though…I am becoming more realistic).

I am boring, yet I think it’s portrayed as shyness.

I am a daredevil, but in limited quantities.

I am in love with the idea of being a peformer, but I don’t put too many eggs in that basket.

I am simply an ordinary, common person, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, and that’s all I’ll ever be.

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

In life, all I want is happiness, fulfillment, a sense of accomplisment, and to help others. That is what I feel would make my life GOOD. I want a husband, children, a home. I want my children to grow up and have the adventures I did, and make their own.

*(I don’t usually “ask” for notes, but on this entry…I’d love to hear what you think. So, indulge me!)*