10/18/02

I am now realizing that I do not have to be what I thought he wanted me to be.

However, that doesn’t mean I know who I am or what I want to be or what I want to do.

But I’m understanding that those things are okay. I’m understanding that confusion is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

No one’s life is perfect, no matter how planned out it is or how set it seems in its goals and purposes.

My heart has been hurt (badly, too) and my wound will take some time to heal. And I will feel alone and unimportant and useless and everything negative I have always felt.

But then someone will see my tears and hand me a cookie. And someone will send me a picture of their new baby. And I will begin a new friendship with a person I thought I would never talk to.

And I will still hurt, at times, but life moves in mysterious ways. I just have to trust my instincts and my heart and figure out where the heck I’m supposed to go. This isn’t supposed to be easy and it won’t be fair. It will take phone calls and letters and visits and hugs to keep going during the low times. And I will return all those things tenfold during my high times.

And I must remember that I was forever changed by the past year and a half. It’s too soon and too complicated to understand HOW I have been changed, but I hope that in the future, I will know the answer.

You never know what tomorrow will bring…