Life according to Fushigi Yuugi…

 I made a strange realization the other day.

My life has been sad and awkward for a while now, and I’ve felt buried and useless, uncomfortable around other people and pathologically distrustful of the world in general. I dislike humanity as a whole and after spending my days trying to avoid interacting with any members of society that bother me(ie. all of them) I attempt to lose myself in sleep. If all else fails, I subscribe to the theory of better living through chemistry.

Two nights ago a friend of mine called and wanted to hang out. She asked if I wanted to go to the gym(we have memberships to the same gym) or if I wanted to just faff about. She said she’d missed sitting around watching anime, and since it had been so long, why didn’t we take a trip down Nostalgia Road and spend the night watching as much Fushigi Yuugi as we could before we passed out.

I wasn’t initially interested, mired as I was in my hermit-tude(and having a kidney stone that was doing a happy dance through my left kidney), but I agreed, and stayed up until the wee hours lost in the world of cheesy, campy, pretty-boy anime.

After a handful of episodes I realized that I MISSED IT. I missed fangirling, I missed laughing, I missed feeling a passion for, well, ANYTHING.

I missed Tamahome and his heroism, Tasuki and his rashness, Hotohori and his nobility. I missed Chichiri’s fox face and Nuriko’s passion, Mitsukake’s steady reliability and Chiriko’s logic. 

I even missed Miaka’s dumpling hair.

Watching this anime years after I’d gotten old and lost all of my great passions made me look at it in a whole new way, and that new view has made me look at my own life differently as well. 

I’d never liked Yui, but now I understand her; her fears, her insecurities, her jealousy and her suspicious view of the motives of others. I understand what it is to feel that one has no control over their life, no choice in the events that occur. Nakago’s ruthless masterminding holds new appeal, and the hopelessness in Soi’s eyes strikes me harder than it did before. I know what it is to feel hopeless, to feel that one’s efforts are futile. Suboshi’s rage resonates in my innards, tempered only by the empathy of Amiboshi. Tomo’s obsession, Ashitare’s determination, Miboshi’s ambition; these are things that affect me differently now than they did before, before I grew up and left my passions, my joys, my hopes and my dreams behind.

I wish I was still a creature of Suzaku; passionate, hopeful, loving, joyous. But sadly, as I look at how life has changed me, I see that I have become more and more a child of Seiryuu. 

This saddens me, to an extent. I miss being who I was. However, perhaps there is a reason for the change beyond the winds of fate.

All I can do is keep on. And fangirl over Fushigi Yuugi. I have to have something good in my life.